John Markum

The Problem with Promise Rings

Ring   If you’re one of the many single adults who have been under my ministry at some point, you already know where this is going. But allow me to get to the point:

Promise rings are a complete waste of time.

    If you have ever given/received a promise ring, I’m sorry if you just got offended by that statement. If you’ll accept that I do not intend that as a personal attack on you, but rather against a practice that is raising concern for relationships, I hope you’ll hear me out.
If you’re a guy considering giving a girl a promise ring, you need to read this. And if you’re a girl on the verge of getting a promise ring, for the love of all things good and pure in this life PLEASE, READ ON!

Allow me to explain…

    In case you don’t know, a promise ring is a gift that a guy gets a girl which is intended to express his intentions to ask her to marry him “some day.” It is not an engagement ring. Engagement rings ask “Will you marry me?” Promise rings ask, “I’m not ready to ask you if you’ll marry me, but one day I do hope to ask you. Will you wear this ring I got you celebrating this lukewarm occasion?”
Now please consider my credentials – I’ve been in ministry for a decade. I’ve done countless hours of counseling with people who were single, dating, engaged, and married. I’ve performed several weddings. As a former Single Adults Pastor, I saw and heard of these promise rings a lot. And yet I only know of one couple that actually got engaged, and none of the couples I’ve known who have given/received promise rings have ever gotten married (let that sink in real good before you get upset with me, ladies…).

    At best, it’s an engagement to an engagement. At worst, it’s a guy asking for more commitment from a girl than he’s willing to put on the line himself. He’s attempting to get her to say yes to him before he even proposes. He’s also marking his territory for other guys to stay back, while not actually promising the girl anything whatsoever.

If you’re a girl getting offered a promise ring, tell your guy that you like shiny things that actually mean something, and to come back when he means business. If he gets offended, consider leaving your guy to find a real man for yourself.

If you’re a guy dating a woman, instead of wasting your money on a meaningless token, do your man card a favor: Wait. Seriously. Wait until you know you’re ready to make a move and commit yourself to someone for life. No half-way, puppy-love nonsense! Be a man and go all out. Do it right, get the “real deal” ring, take her somewhere special to the two of you. Hit a knee, hold her hand, look her in the eye, tell her you want to spend your whole life loving only her forever, and tell her that you love her. Then drop the four big words she’s been waiting for since she was 4 years old – “Will you marry me?” Make it something worth watching all her friends freakout in excitement as she shows off the rock you got her! Watch her tell them all how you popped the question – for in that moment, you can tell that you did it right… her giddy joy will be unmistakeable.

    Still not convinced? Try explaining “promise ring” to your grandparents. If they look at you kind of stupid, it’s entirely likely that they are not the ones that are out of touch!

    Wow, that’s needed to be said for a long time. If that just made you mad at me, I hope you’ll at least consider this an opinion well worth your consideration. Clearly this is my opinion, and is based solely on an increasingly non-committal American culture, observable everywhere. I hope we’re still friends. 🙂

Blessings,
Pastor John

PS.
I’m certain to get responses criticizing this post! I can accept that. But don’t bother unless you’re actually married… Otherwise, you’re just reinforcing my point.

108 thoughts on “The Problem with Promise Rings

  1. Pastor John, Let’s make that two people who you know who have received a promise ring and went on to get engaged. I was 17 and for good reason, my parents would not have allowed an engagement at that point in time. Engaged at 19, unengaged at 20. All for good reason, he was not the guy for me. As you do know, I did meet the man of my dreams at 20, he did give me a pretty ring but it was a gift, not a promise. That full commitment came with a beautiful ring and an even more better promise. I agree with you, promise rings are a waste of money. Save it for the real deal, guys. As are many things, this is another thing that should be saved for the real event, which makes it that much more special. Married for almost 13 years now.

    1. Actually since posting this, the “survivors” have come out of the wood works! I’m up to three couples now, and one that’s engaged! Congrats to all who beat the odds!

      1. My son is 22 years old, just graduated college with his Bachelor Degree and a minor in Criminal Justice. His girlfriend for over a year now is also going to college to receive her degree in nursing.
        They attend separate colleges but obviously love each other very much. My son is going into the Highway Patrol and will attend school for an additional 6months..his long term goal is to make Texas Ranger.
        His girlfriends birthday is coming up and he wants to get her a promise ring ( I see it as a commitment ring, he loves her dearly and she does him also) they are in an adult relationship, obviously not 15 years old. I believe a “promise” ring is a token of love and intention – not a frivolous gift. It symbolizes that true loves exists – especially giving their ages. They aren’t rushing into marriage, but have made a commitment to each other …long before now. I think a ring is appropriate in this situation. She has not asked for a thing, ever, therefore it’s not a “shut up ring” at all. Both kids are somewhat old fashioned especially when it comes to making a life long commitment to each other. They both work and go to college – responsible young adults. I will not be paying for the ring, my son will be but has asked for my help to pick one out for her.
        My husband and I have been married almost 25 years. My husband asked my daddy’s permission to marry me. So my question is – should my son ask his girlfriends parents to give their daughter a promise ring? I fully expect an engagement to come next but they are not rushing. (Which personally I think is wonderful especially with divorce rate so high) I’m proud of these kids trying to take one step at a time and not jumping off a cliff and hoping for the best. The girls parents have also been married for over 20 years. So I do see a future for these two kids, I think a promise commitment ring is appropriate. Please share your thoughts with me. My son has asked me if he is to ask permission so I stumbled on this page while looking for the etiquette.
        Thank you in Texas

        1. Joy, thanks for the feedback.

          I can appreciate your son’s situation. I was 21 in my senior year of college when I met my wife, Tiffany. We both were very committed people and knew we wanted to get married for keeps – though we both had come from broken homes growing up. We met, dated, got engaged, and married in exactly one year’s time. That was nearly 12 years ago now, and we’re better now than ever. That’s our story. That’s not everyone, including your son. Some need longer. Some can’t handle that kind of commitment at the tender age of 22. Some just want to be sure. All valid. Trust me when I say I had my reservations. That’s just human.

          I’d also be the first to admit that I was young and immature in many MANY ways when we got married. But despite all of that we knew we were ready. Ready for the learning curve we would need. Ready for the crash courses in REAL conflict resolution. Ready for the risk of trusting another person with our deepest vulnerabilities. Ready for the self-sacrifice, work, and endurance that are prerequisites for every marriage that makes it.

          My whole point in this promise ring post is this: if you’re ready (and you’ll know) don’t play around with such an exciting, serious, and important commitment. If you’re not ready, be mature enough to admit it and don’t try “pretending” at a commitment. In the immortal words of Shia LaBeouf – “Just DO IT!”

          So as far as asking her parents, I don’t know that there is an etiquette for promise rings. How does that talk even go? Respectfully, here’s how I kinda picture it going…
          “I’d like to ask your permission to give your daughter a promise ring?”
          “Wow! So you’re asking for her hand in marriage?”
          “Well no, not yet. Right now I just want to express my commitment to her with this ring.”
          “So you’re getting engaged?”
          “No.”
          “Commitment to what then?”
          “To… get… engaged… one day? To stay together between now and then.”
          “So you’re already her boyfriend. You’re not asking to marry her. But you want my permission to give her a ring?”
          ” Yes… we’re taking our time. We know we want to get married one day. Just not yet.”
          “So… what do you need from me now?”

          At least, that’s how it would probably go if I were the Dad. My poor kids and their future boyfriends… ANYWAY!
          Those are my thoughts :-). Regardless, I wish them the best of luck and a very happy future.

          Blessing,
          Pastor John

  2. I couldn’t agree more. The whole thing is ridiculous. If you want to marry her DO IT, and if you don’t, don’t bother with any ring. I have to bite a hole through my tongue every time I meet someone wearing a promise ring, trying not to tell her that her boyfriend doesn’t have enough balls to really commit.

    1. So what about high school sweethearts then? I received a promise ring from my boyfriend of almost 3 years at the time and I was only 19. We did not have the money for a wedding and we were too young to get married when it came to both of our parents. That promise ring meant everything in the world to me because he was saying that even though we are too young and broke to get married now, I want you to know that someday soon we will. To me it was a beautiful pledge of love and it gave me piece of mind instead of being those girls who worries when or if their man will propose. Almost 3 year later we are set to be married in October and couldn’t be happier. To me a promise ring is like giving your girlfriend your class ring. It’s a gesture that says hey I love you and I want everyone else to know that I love you and that you are my girl. There are simple tokens of love

      1. I want this to be the same way my girlfriend will feel, but im on this article trying to find outbif the time is right or if i should even do it. She has expressed to me that she would like one. I just need help on deciding on if the time is right. I 99% likely going to give her a promise ring and I’m trying to find the right one thats actually real, but i see so many that are on the cheaper side but I don’t know if the stone is real or not

        1. “Cheap” has as much to do with significance as it does cost. Skip the promise ring. If you REALLY want to marry her one day, go ahead and be not-cheap; get her an engagement ring and propose.

          Nearly everyone in high school thinks they’re some kind of exception – that YOUR relationship is somehow special or different from every other high school couple in love. Yes, you may well end up happily married to your high school sweetheart; and I would be your biggest fan! But it is highly unlikely to happen based on pseudo-commitments, i.e. promise rings.

          If you want to get married to someone, regardless of your age or stage in life – get serious, get committed, get engaged, and follow through. Real love is based on commitment, and commitment feels an awful lot like work. That’s why a LOT of people suck at it. But you don’t have to be one of them.
          I’m not criticizing, I’m trying to help you. Remember, you came to me! I wish you all the best.

          Blessings,
          Pastor John

  3. I see your point. However, I received a promise ring at 17, got engaged at 19, and married at 22. I have been married for a year and a half, and we have a baby boy on the way. For my husband it was always just a matter of time and college. I knew without a doubt that I would marry my husband after 1 year of dating. I do think that this is more of the exception rather than rule though.

    1. Hi Jessie! First of all, congrats on the precious little one! Secondly, congrats for being the exception. Clearly, getting a promise ring is NOT a sign of a doomed relationship, as you (and a small handful of others) have just illustrated. I DO believe that is a sign of an immature relationship. To be fair, ALL of my relationships were immature at 17! I enjoy hearing of the relationships that do end up maturing into a beautiful story like that of your young family.
      I pray you continue having a very blessed marriage and parenthood!
      Pastor John

  4. Thank you, John! I came across your post after a wonderful (but very gullible) friend of mine was given a promise ring by her boyfriend. She’s a good 15 years older than I am, and the whole thing struck my husband and I as very out-of-place. I honestly wasn’t sure if I should say anything about it. Your post gave me the courage to bite my tongue. 😉

  5. I actually feel that they’re fairly practical in some cases. Both my sister and I were with our high school sweethearts for several years before our SO’s officially “popped the question”, and we both wore promise rings when we were still in college and felt as though we were too young to get married.
    Basically, I think it’s a reasonable idea for a couple younger than maybe their early 20’s who don’t feel ready to get married, but after that point, it is pretty silly and a tepid sentiment. But I feel like this article is primarily addressing couples older than that, so it’s a moot point anyway. 🙂

    1. I see now this post was more meant for people over the age of 30 who give each other promise rings. These rings are more practical for young adults who want to get married with their boyfriend or girlfriend, but don’t want to yet. They want to graduate and get a job before settling down completely. And it’s a great substitution than getting engaged at a young age.

      I am going off to college an hour away from my boyfriend and we decided for him to get me a promise ring. To promise we will always keep each other in our hearts and be together until we finish college and are mature and old enough to get engaged. I am currently 19, almost 20. And I’m not ready to get engaged at all. We have been together for almost 5 years, we are high school sweet hearts. So a promise ring is our way of saying we will get engaged and married in the future.

      1. Actually, Courtney… I meant it for anyone. A quick observation: How many women do you see defending “promise rings” versus the number of men? On this comment thread alone there is not a single man who has spoken up to defend them. What does that tell you? Here’s what it tells me – Women, especially young women, want their significant other to commit to them so much, that a partial commitment (read “promise ring”) is an acceptable substitute. But it almost never is a commitment at all. Here’s why…
        If a couple is not ready, they’re not ready – period. No big deal. It doesn’t mean they won’t be one day, but they’re not right now. So why make a commitment, that one day you’ll be committed?! If you’re ready to make a life altering commitment now, then do it. If not, pull back and wait. Yes, they’re are couples who are exceptions, but I’ve literally met a hundred times as many people who it didn’t work out for. The problem is, every couple thinks they’re the exception.
        Because of this, especially with a young couple, a promise ring means nothing to me. It means you’re dating and you think you’re in love. When you say “we decided for him to get me a promise ring”, I hear “I told him I really wanted a promise ring.” If you’re in that scenario, please read this post again, and know that I sincerely wish you the best. I hope you find what you’re looking for in a life partner when the right time comes. And good luck this semester!

  6. First of all, I would like to state, I do & don’t agree. For me, it depends on the age group.
    I received my promise ring from my husband when we had been dating for a year. We are high school sweethearts. Started dating at 17, got it at 18, & married at 23. I feel receiving a promise ring while in high school is more acceptional then it is receiving it in your 20’s.
    Naturally a girl in her 20’s is going to be wanting more then just a promise ring. But for those in high school still learning & understanding love then great because as bad as it sounds it’s kind of a tool for learning commitment.

    I grew up knowing plenty of girls who were unfaithful in their relationships who didn’t have promise rings vs girls who did.

    I was fully committed in my relationship day 1(17yrs old) I received my promise ring a year after we started dating(18yrs old) & we got married at 23. It depends on the couples beliefs & age group(in my opinion) 🙂

  7. I completely agree with you!! When my soon to be husband and I started dating I knew he had given his ex girlfriend a promise ring. When we got together I told him to not buy me a ring of any sort unless he had all intentions of being my husband, bc if he does he will get the dinky thing thrown back at him. He promised me he wouldn’t get one and that my wedding ring would be a perfect size. God has done great things in and for our relationship! I am so blessed! I definitely hold promises to a high standard, I wish more people a cross the board would think that way. Woman need to learn to know their worth and men need to learn to not take the easy way out when it comes to commitment. It’s quite amazing how people think now a days. Thank God for Jesus and an “old soul.” Loved your post! Totally sharing it on my Facebook.

  8. That is so true Pastor John. My boyfriend and I have been dating for three years and he still has excuses to marry me and tell’s me why he does not believe in engagement. So yes I will take your advice and get me a real man that will go out that the Lord has provided for me. Thank you for your valuable advice.

  9. I have a slightly different situation.

    First off, I don’t like the idea of promise rings, and I agree with you on this subject completely
    So, I am a father, divorced for nearly 6 years. I have a girlfriend of 5 years now, who is also a divorced parent. We love each other deeply, and keep growing in incredible bounds since our time together. We both agreed there was no reason to rush, and in doing so, we have had the opportunity to grow together and really know each other even more. Something very wonderful that I have never experienced in a relationship before.
    Anyway, my girl and I have talked about marriage, and we want to. We also still have children in our homes (15 & 16), so we also wanted to give them the comfort of not upheaving their home lives and change schools, etc. (I live in the country, she is in the city.) Neither one of us has a large enough home to accommodate all of us either, and we do NOT want to just live together. We do have a plan of beginning a life together once the our last kids turn 18. So we have a few more years yet.
    I don’t like the idea of a promise ring, but I’m really wanting her to know how committed to her I am to her, even though I express it often. But it also seems a 4-5 year engagement is equally as pointless. Not that I object to asking her to marry me, I would love to! It just seems that it’s not the right time, since we’ve both decided to wait.
    So what are your thoughts? I realize this is an old post, but it’s certainly a relevant issue, and I would appreciate any comments.

  10. My husband got his high school/college girlfriend a promise ring… in hopes it would repair the relationship and because he knew his heart was not in it for the long run and was hoping that would change. He describes it as an “expensive mistake.”
    I personally have always thought they were a cop-out. If you are really ready to be married and are ready to go for it emotionally and spiritually, who needs the big wedding? Why spend college living in separate apartments when you can lean on each other through finals and all the madness? A marriage license and officiant is, in MN, under $500 total. Less than the student services fees for one year at a state college. I never understood how girls I knew in high school and even post-college could be so blind as to sell themselves out to someone whose “later” so clearly meant “only if I don’t find something better.” I have known people who had their hearts set on getting married go through long engagements because of school, and it worked because they were committed to each other, not just the idea of love and the big expensive wedding. Our engagement was six months, and the wedding wasn’t big or fancy, but we were ready, and it was perfect because at the end of the day, we were married.

    1. Not everyone has your standards. Some people, like me, dream of a nice wedding that can be remembered and enjoyed by family and friends for the rest of my life. I don’t just view weddings as a piece of paper and I think that’s one of the reasons why so many people get divorced; they view marriage as a means to an end instead of a celebration of a long-term commitment to fight for a loving and good relationship.

  11. I actually stumbled across this blog while shopping for a promise ring that I was hoping to receive this Valentine’s Day. But now after reading, I may just have my boyfriend save the money to put towards a nicer engagement ring later on in our relationship. Thank you, and now I agree with you 100%! 🙂

  12. Pastor, I think you are wrong in your opinion, #1 Promise Rings are not for adults but for kids and they carry more than one meaning, my 16 year old just got his girlfriend of 15 months a Diamond Promise Ring for her 15th Birthday, and for them they have a great relationship and the rind is not a PROMISE of a future engagement as you are saying. It was given as a Promise to each other to not pressure either one into a sexual relationship for them to stay celibate while they are both still in High School and while they are both deciding on their future life plans whether that is together or not. Yes, they do have plans for the future together, but they are both very bright kids and understand that things change, as BOTH are from Broken homes and they want to make the right life choice. They also both know that College is in both of their futures and with the Ring in place it reminds them that if they do have sex, their are consequences, and that could stop their college careers before they are started very well.

    1. Cheryl,
      Thank you for your comment and sharing some of your family’s story. Let me first make sure that you and I are calling the same thing the same thing… I explained in my post what I (and the majority of our culture) mean by “promise ring.” What you describe in your comment, most people, myself included, would refer to as a “purity ring.” Purity rings are most commonly given by father-figures to their daughter as a commitment to them staying pure until their wedding day. It is far less common in my experience for a couple to give such a ring, but I’m not beyond imagining that it does happen.
      If the gift from your son in no way meets the pretenses I described in the post, but is simply a commitment between the two of them to stay pure sexually regardless of who they one day marry, I’m in complete support. In fact, I would love to see all dating couples to share such a commitment. On the other hand, if your 15 year old is making plans at this point in his life to marry a specific girl, and this ring is some token of that, I hope we both agree that he’s probably not ready for such a life altering commitment and I stand by what I said in the post.
      Whatever the case, he sounds like a good-intentioned young man and I pray he has a very blessed future.

  13. I completely disagree. There are many reason for a promise ring. I gave a promise ring to my gf because we are still young and do not have the money for a wedding. We are both in college and we know that we are not ready, financial wise. A promise ring could be the same as engagement ring for “young couple” who is in love. It symbolizes as a bridge for the future of being together and hopefully getting married one day. It does not mean your are NOT commited. It does not make you less of a man. Just because you are married or you bought your wife an engagement ring doesn’t mean you’re a man. Almost 50% end up in divorces, refusing to man up and work things out. My grandparents, my parents started dating where they were in high school and they had promise rings. They are still together to this day! My gf loves the promise ring I gave her.

    1. Good for you. I’ve been with my boyfriend almost 4 years now and I still wear the promise ring he gave me when I was 18 in our first year together. This article brings nothing positive into this world and is just criticizing people who live in a different way than him.

      1. Anna, you’ve got a lot of anger about this. Nothing in my post was intended as a personal attack on you or your boyfriend. You’ve spent a lot of effort today on this one article. I sincerely hope the best for your future! No sarcasm or condescension intended. This was NOT an attack on you!
        You’ve expressed your differing viewpoint. What more would you like today? A changed mind? Not gonna happen. An apology? Fine – I’m sorry if anything I said in this post felt hurtful to you, that was never my intention.
        If you think I have a shallow view of marriage because I hate the notion of promise rings, you’re mistaken. I have a much higher view. And having been married now for 12 years, and counseled at least a hundred couples who were dating, engaged, married, or divorced, I’ve got a pretty good idea of what I’m talking about.

        If you would like to dialogue about this subject, ask a question, and let’s be civil. If you just want to make personal attacks about “how many lives I’ve saved” , dear reader… I don’t have time or energy to defend myself against your uninformed cheap shots.

        You’ve gotten all I’m going to offer you here unless you want to actually converse. Otherwise, move on with what sounds like a happy relationship and be content with that. You don’t need to convince me in order for your story to work out in your favor. I don’t hold that kind of power.

  14. Mr. Pastor, I fully respect your credential. This blog however creates tensions between couples. Especially couples who are jus starting out. Try to focus more on helping people to be together instead of breaking them apart. Saying if a man gave you a promise ring meaning “he is not ready, get a real man,” is jus plain wrong in my opinion. It takes time for a good relationship to work.

  15. so I am seeing my girlfriend a ring tommaro and I rote her a letter and when shes done reading by the time she looks up I will be one one knee saying will you take this promise ring and all that do you think that’s good enough I need help

    1. Cami, I’m not sure you understood the point of my post. The point of it was, wait until you are ready to commit to marrying someone, skip the promise ring, and actually ask her to marry you. If you’re not ready for the big of a commitment, I would strongly encourage you to simply…. wait. Good luck out there.

  16. I was at the end of a promise ring, I too think is a complete joke if you want to marry a girl you should just ask. I was late 30s when I received one still no other comment was made, I can understand when your younger and much to young to make that step but at this age if you want to be with someone you should just ask them to marry you if your holding back there’s a reason. Still waiting for a real ring and come to the realization it’s not coming.

  17. Hi.
    I can absolutely see your point. Promise rings are too often given for wrong reasons & not as signs of true commitment.
    In my case, I’m 26 & boyfriend is 27. We’ve been together 9 months & are very happy.
    As we’re building a self owned business to earn money & stability in our future, we cannot afford to marry for another 18+ months as our funds are tied into business.
    He gave me a promise ring which i wear on my Right hand, not the left to avoid confusion & questions from others. I consider myself pre-engaged.
    He will ask me to marry him in near future & buy a proper engagement ring. We already have discussed aspects of our future wedding & he has blessing from my parents to ask me.
    For us, it was a gesture of commitment to our relationship & a mutual understanding that more will come in time but we need to focus on building our future first.
    So yes…i agree that promise rings are often given without due thought & given by boys/men who don’t want to fully commit to their partner.
    But in other cases, such as my own, promise rings are a good strong sign of commitment and intention by two mature adults who for whatever reason, cannot buy expensive engagement ring & plan wedding yet at that point in time.

  18. Hello there John 🙂
    Just wanted to say that i am a 19 year old girl who came across your post today after looking at promise rings myself. At first, when i read your title/head line, I knew i wasn’t going to like reading this because of the fact that i was expecting a promise ring from my boyfriend in general. But after reading this post, it TOTALLY BLEW MY MIND! I thought that a man giving his girlfriend a promise ring was a must have if he REALLY loves her and wants to marry her soon, but now after reading this, i don’t agree so much with the whole “promise ring” concept. I am an Individual who believes that things happen for a reason and that what plans we have, about how life goes, don’t necessary go our way. With that being said i’d rather wait and see what happens. Im not in a rush if i know its going to happen eventually and that he is the love of my life. My advice to ladies’ out there is that, actions will ALWAYS speak louder than words. Don’t spend so much to thinking wether you want a promise ring or not, worry about bettering yourself for the both of you and a happy future.

  19. My boyfriend got me a promise ring. I was hoping for an engagement ring. He said he needing to pay off blls and get his life in order. He ended up moving to Texas in Jan for a job and after 5 months said he wanted me to move there in December and get engaged for real and get married. I’m in Wisconsin. I told him I would need to think about all of it. Two weeks later he was dating someone else. I’m astounded and hurt. He hid it from me for a few weeks. Now he isn’t allowed to talk to me due to new girl. I’ve asked him if he wants his promise ring back. I just can’t see how one day marriage and a few weeks later with some one else. We’ve been dating for almost 3 years your post made alot of sense in hindsite. I’m in my 40s and still applies.

    1. Wow, Michelle. Please know that it’s heartbreaking to hear what happened to you. Better to find out now than after marriage at least. I pray you’re healing emotionally from this. Blessings…

  20. Pastor John,

    I really enjoyed reading your post. I appreciated the amount of bluntness and clarity you provided. In fact, you allowed me to open my mind to potentially waiting to get my girlfriend a promise ring.

    I am currently 18 years old and my girlfriend is 17 (however, she is about to turn 18 in August). Both my girlfriend and I have discussed marriage. We have prayed for two years and we have both been lucky to have received what we both believe are clear signs of approval from God that our idea of marriage is in his plans.

    As a result, we both want to get married. We both love each other, endlessly. The biggest hurdles restraining us from engagement are age, financial standing, and education. We both attend college, however we attend 2 different colleges about 2 hours apart from each other. We have talked about getting each other promise rings to reaffirm the love we have for each other and to reaffirm the ‘promise’ that we have made to each other to wait till God is ready for our engagement.

    Obviously getting my 17 year old girlfriend an engagement ring is not the best idea, as it would create strife in both of our families. Still, we want to get something to symbolize our love and commitment to our relationship. In this case, would you still vote down a promise ring? If so, what is a better symbol to give one another?

    Thanks for any input!

  21. I totally agree. I was victim to the “promise ring” for close to 6 years. At the end of those 6 years of a lie, came the worst regret of having missed out on 6 years of life. I was not a believer then but I see God’s hand because even though I didn’t know Him, He gave me a different view, different standards for when I’d be ready to date. Thank you for telling it the way it is 🙂

  22. As I guy I can say I would have never given my fiancé a promise ring. All a promise ring says is “I have commitment issues so I’ll give you this promise ring to get you off my back.”

    Either you’re in or you’re out.

  23. Ok, I’m not saying your argument is invalid. I’m not trying to undermine or rebuke your view on promise rings, I know my one opinion isn’t going to change anything. That being said, highschool sweethearts going on to get married isn’t an “exception” by any means. Maybe the people you know either didn’t want a long lasting relationship or they were in such a haste to get in one they didn’t open their eyes to who their partner really was. Promise rings aren’t pseudo-commitments. Personally, me and my boyfriend have been together 10 years, 3 of which were spent in highschool. He gave me a promise ring when we had been together for 2 years. We knew that we wouldn’t get engaged at 17. We didn’t promise to get married, we didn’t promise to get engaged, heck we didn’t even promise to spend our college years together. We promised that, no matter what, we wouldn’t abandon each other. We promised to be there for each other, even if it was five years later and we were both married to other people. We promised that we would always support the other one and, even if the worse case scenario became reality, we would be the support system they needed. Promise rings aren’t always promising to marry. They are to signify that you promise not to give up, that you promise to be there even when you’re having the worst day ever. The only reason I even saw this site was because I searched promise rings and I thought this was a satirical article. I didn’t come here for help or answers. Couples who went from highschool sweethearts to engaged to married shouldn’t be congratulated on being the exception. Maybe they are the exception to people like you that have the mindset that you can’t make a highschool relationship last. But to the people that find the one they love in highschool, it isn’t out of the ordinary. Sorry if making highschool and teenage relationships work isn’t a norm in your life. People CAN and DO find their other half in highschool.

    1. Sydney, thank you for coming to my blog and offering your counter-opinion. I hope you don’t take this hard, but I suspect you will. I’m guessing that if you are out of high school, it’s not by much. So I mean this with the best intentions and future hopes for you, your life, and all of your relationships as possible. But remember, you came to me…

      First, I never said “you can’t make a high school relationship last.” Clearly, there are many that have. My point was never that you shouldn’t marry them, but rather to make a real commitment when you’re ready. If you’re not ready in high school… cool, take the pressure off of yourself for now. Few who think they are ready in high school, actually end up getting and staying married. I have several friends who fit that slim high school sweetheart demographic. Even fewer of them have stay married. The ones that do stick it out are the exception and they know it. My “congratulations” is true. I don’t say it as some kind of reluctant consolation for beating me at a game, but as an expression of honor toward them for what it takes to navigate a major life commitment together starting so young. So criticize my congratulations if you like, but those who have become the exception get what I mean. But let’s talk about the example you gave of yourself…
      Whatever the ring you and your boyfriend exchanged, the thing you describe sounds much more like a friendship charm than a promise ring. And that’s fine… be his bff. Have each others’ back no matter what. Be comfortable with him marrying someone else instead of you one day. But you are failing to make a stronger case for your counter-argument to my point. And unless/until you married this young man, you still have yet to become one of those exceptions. And yes, should you turn out to be an exception and get married to your high school sweatheart one day – and stay married – you have my most sincere, humble congratulations in advance.

  24. My gf and I are seniors in high school. We’ve been very close since 7th grade year. We’ve always liked eachother an had that attraction to eachother like to no other person. We have dated many people since then and we have been dating for a few weeks now. Haven’t been as good of a big to her as I had been to any other girl. I never push for anything an I never put her in an uncomfortable position when it comes to sexual things. I know I really do love her and she loves me. We always put eachother first and help to take care of eachother when it comes to physical and mental health. We are an all around beneficial relationship and do not hold eachother back. Now she brought up both of us getting a promise ring and I agreed with her reasoning that we could try it out. Not spending a whole lot of money on it because as I’ve seen in previous comments. It would be better to save up for an engagement ring for Ina few years or so. Yes the promise ring is about loyalty and I have no problem with that. I’d have no problem with an engagement ring now but it’s just to early for that. But besides the loyalty part and pretty much being a pre engagement ring we are seeing if it helps with other guys always trying to get with her and other girls trying to get with me It would be nice so we could focus more on school and work and etc instead of being annoyed and stressed from others always trying to get with either of us. More or less like an experiment and we both hope it really works out

    1. Best of luck to you and your girlfriend, Gavin. As I’ve clearly stated several times – this article is based on my opinion and a lot of experience. You are free to disagree with that opinion and experience. But I appreciate that you are at least humble and seeking to learn in the process. That, I can respect.

  25. I completely agree.
    I find it insulting and takes away the element of Supreme away from a beautiful moment (Engagement) and having the one you want to spend your life with ask for your hand instead of promising you his and not giving you the choice. I find it juvenile and offensive.

  26. Good point. Just rechecked my thoughts about getting a promise ring, honestly i want the moment of my proposal to be a surprise. Like would she say no or will he ever ask me and the “yes!” not “ok babe, heres your engagement ring finally. Now lets get married.”

  27. Sounds like you were not good enough for the Man you were with and he wanted to keep his options open for someone who is more to par# reality# too much time ugly person must have started this

    1. Probably right she’s using a shield to be portrayed rightouse… He was broke or he just didn’t like her enough it’s simple .

  28. I somewhat agree with this article. I do believe that most of the time they are a waste of money and time. However, my boyfriend has just given me his college ring to wear until he’s bought the engagement ring worthy of my finger (his words to his own mother). He has asked my father for permission to marry me, and expressed his intentions to his own parents. In our case, I believe that the promise ring is fine, as he’s already chosen an engagement ring and is just waiting to have the money to buy the ring (since he just got his full time deputy job one month ago). He wants to commit, and when he gave me the college ring, he said “will you accept this ring as a promise of an engagement in the future, and a beautiful marriage after that?”.

    I do believe there are circumstances where a promise ring is acceptable, but I believe measures to show future commitment are needed with the promise ring. By Spencer already planning the proposal, finding the ring and making plans to pay for the ring, as well as involving my family and his in the proposal shows he is going to make that commitment. If he had only given me the ring but had none of these things, I would have felt it a waste of time.

    1. Jessica,
      First off – thanks for checking out my blog! I appreciate your response and conversation. I understand the comparison of promise rings to a guy’s college ring, but I’m going to draw a difference. Your experience may be different, and I accept that in advance…
      A man giving his girlfriend his college ring is different to me for one important reason: it’s personal and unique to that man. Additionally, it is not universally understood as a “promise to marry”. It IS generally understood as identifying a girl as “his” and that there is a certain level of seriousness to the relationship. I’m fine with couples giving or receiving college rings so as it isn’t intended as a “pre-engagement” promise ring.
      Splitting hairs?! Maybe. But the whole point of my post is simple: if you’re not ready to commit to marriage… then don’t! No one benefits by a guy admitting he isn’t ready to get married but asking for commitment from a girl anyway.
      What if a guy proposed, and the girl got really excited and then replied, “I’m not ready to say yes, but one day I will be!” To be fair, a couple has an”engagement” ring but no wedding date planned, and they’re just going to stay engaged for the next 3-10 years… they really have a promise ring. Because it’s not really about the ring.

      1. Update since we last talked, he proposed on January 30th 2016 and we are getting married in April of 2017!

        1. CONGRATULATIONS! I’m so excited for you and Spencer and just prayed for the two of you and the future you’re planning together. Thanks for the exciting update!

          Blessings,
          Pastor John

  29. It’s important for a guy to give a girl a promise ring especially if there are reasons they can’t get married at the moment and he can’t afford an engagement ring. He may just want to fool around and have no intention of getting married until 30. It is literally a purchase to reassure his current girlfriend that she is worth the investment in their future together or a gift for the girlfriend to keep since she has more to loose and less time to get married should they break up. If he can’t buy a promise ring for her now, it is unlikely he will purchase her an engagement ring later.

    1. With all kindness, I could not disagree more. If you’re too young, or immature, a promise ring changes none of that. In fact, it’s a symbol of a commitment you’re admitting that you’re not ready/willing to make yet. The money excuse is a farce. Poor people get married. My wife and I were near broke when we got married. But I saved every spare dime I had for over 6 months to buy her a ring that is probably mediocre by most standards. She still wears that engagement ring. It’s not a symbol of my wealth or willingness to go into substantial debt – but it is a symbol of my raw, unwavering commitment to her through blood, sweat, and tears to do right by her. That’s what women really want. A man who would willingly and happily accept sacrifice on her behalf. A man who puts her and her needs ahead of himself and his own needs.
      Ironically, I’m convinced I was NOT ready or mature enough to ask my wife to marry me when I first started saving for the ring I proposed to her with. But I believe the process of sacrificing and saving for that ring helped prepare me. I would love for every would-be husband to experience that form of pre-marital training. There are some things that are only learned through personal sacrifice – a virtue that is required for every healthy marriage. Doesn’t sound fun? Neither is marriage all the time. Commitment. Sacrifice. These are the things that see marriages through difficult days.

      By the way, it’s been over 11 years sincere said yes. We’re still together today through substantial difficulties. Neither of us would change a thing. We’re still crazy for each other!

      Out of curiousity, how long have you been married?

  30. Me and my boyfriend are 1 year apart (14/15) we have been together for a year and we love each other alot. We have both nearly date the whole of or grade and the grade above and below, but this relationship was diffrent we are going to make a promise… With rings. That when we are old enough we are going to get married to each other. I think that this is just a way to show others and your boyfriend/girlfriend how much you love each other….

    1. Dear young lady, know that I sincerely hope the best for you. Have you told your parents about this commitment to this boy? Would you tell them? What would they say? How would that effect you? How would you respond?

      1. I’m in the same situation right now. i plan on giving my girlfriend a promise ring and we are very dedicated to each other. we have been dating for a while and i think the promise ring is a good thing.

  31. I dated my boyfriend for almost 2 years before have gave me a promise ring and wrote me a long letter about it’s significance, and how he sees me as the mother of his future children, his bride, and growing old together., but then a few months later after a week beach trip we took together with his family, when I got home later that night he decided to end the relationship through Skype, over very small issues, and I never saw him again.

    1. Allison, I am SO sorry to hear that. Regardless on whether or not someone agrees with my post about promise rings, I hope we would all agree that this was an immature thing for any guy to do. Best wishes to you and your future!

    2. We are also both Christians and I didn’t think at all it would happen this way, It made me wonder what I needed to learn to grow, for the one God may have for me

  32. I couldn’t agree more. I feel terrible because my wonderful man just went and spent a lot of money to buy me one…despite the fact we’ve been shopping for the real thing for a while and discuss marriage daily. We’re planning a baby and been talking about eloping at the end of 2016, for crying out loud, and he buys a promise ring! Of course, because we’re both really bad at keeping secrets from each other, so I knew he was up to something, but I was hoping it was the ‘real’ thing. We have such a perfect relationship, and we’re so close – he truely is my soul-mate in every regard, he’s such an incredibly sweet and caring man, and yet he got this SO wrong. I feel physically sick to my stomach about it. I’ve been married before and my first husband never proposed, hell, I’ve hardly ever been asked out on a real date before him – I really wanted the fairy tale this time, but the timing for it has pretty much been and gone, and instead I’m becoming a squirmy anxious wanna-be bride…which I really hate. I don’t care about western ideals of big blingy rings and big white weddings, and we always said we weren’t going to let those conventions keep us from getting married when we wanted to get married…but here he is, letting those ‘ideals’ hold him back with excuses like ‘I can’t afford a ring’. Yet I’d accept a loop of string around my finger, and he knows it. So. Something is holding him back.
    As terrible as I feel, I’ve asked him to take it back. I just can’t accept it. I once asked him not to buy me a ring unless it was ‘the’ ring…yet he did.

  33. Pastor John, I love your post, its so enlightening, thank you. My boyfriend just gave me a “Promise Ring.” I was offended when He gave it to me so I just didn’t say anything to avoid embarrassing him. He actually didn’t even spend any money on it and got it off of FB in a deal where the ring was free and he only had to pay shipping of $6.00. The promise ring he got for free symbolized to me that I wasn’t worth investing in. No real commitment for our future together.

    1. Ann,
      Ouch! I can’t imagine how you felt reading this since your boyfriend seems to have embodied everything I said – to the letter. I wish that guys who thought they want a commitment would put their money where their mouth is. Saying you’re committed doesn’t make it so. And to be clear… I was a broke college student when I proposed to my girlfriend (now wife of nearly 12 years). I worked 2 jobs while taking 14 credit hours my final semester to scrap and save what I could to get my wife the ring she still wears. The market value of which is such that most would scoff now. But my wife knows that her ring cost me lots of blood, sweat, tears, sacrifice, and planning… not to mention what was an enormous amount of money to me at that time. It was not an impulse buy while scrolling through Facebook. It was a calculated cost requiring months of overtime hours and withdrawing from things my friends wanted to do because those things cost money I was trying to save for the ring. But I knew what I was asking her for, and offering of myself in turn. When I hit a knee, asked her to marry me, and held up that ring I was holding up and offering her a piece of myself – a sort of “down payment” on the kind of love, thought, time, and personal sacrifice I was prepared to give her for the rest of my life I intended to spend with her.
      I’ve screwed a LOT of things up in my life – but I got THAT part right. And you know what? Her “yes” meant SO MUCH more to me because of it. No relationship is the same, yet every woman deserves the equivalent from their man.
      Ann, I hope the best for you and your boyfriend. Honest! But I also unashamedly encourage you to be willing to walk from your relationship if he can’t answer the call of sacrifice. I know it sucks hearing that, but if no one else has encourage you to walk when you need to… well you said it yourself, “No real commitment” for your future. I just prayed for both of you, regardless of what the future holds for the two of you. Take care, and keep your chin up.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  34. It was really interesting to read this post, especially as I actually came looking for a way to change my boyfriend’s mind about promise rings. (as in, I would like to get one) Previous discussion reveals he finds a promise ring unnecessary because it doesn’t really add or change anything to the relationship like an engagement ring does. However I’m 17 and he’s 19, we’ve been dating a year and a half and are each other’s best friends. We truly love each other and have faced many issues together in the years we have known each other. We’ve both talked about marriage, kids and work in the future in detail, and prayed to God to guide our relationship and strengthen it if it His wish. His family and all of our friends are completely on board the idea of our marriage, and we both feel the only thing stopping us from getting engaged is our youth. This is the sort of case where a promise ring to me seems like a nice (though not necessary) idea, because it’s not a lukewarm sentiment because the guy is too afraid to commit, it’s, “I can’t yet, but I promise one day when it’s possible I’ll make you my wife.”
    I’m still figuring out how to convince my partner of this (or if it’s even worth the effort) but in the meantime thank you very much for the insight of this post, I did enjoy reading someone else’s perspective on the matter.

    1. You’re welcome, and I appreciate your honest humility. At 17, I would encourage any young lady to enjoy their relationships and youth. It really won’t last that long, and if you two have a future, it’s gonna happen! So don’t miss what you have now (and may very well enjoy in the future) trying to find a symbol to validate what you know you already have.
      It sounds to me that your boyfriend wants the engagement ring to really mean something. Try to see it his way. You might be glad you did…

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  35. Hello Pastor John~
    Me and my boyfriend are both 18, and in college. We have been dating for a year, and have full intentions to stay together until our situations are such that marriage will be a wise decision. However we both recognize that there’s is a time and a place for everything, and we have some ways left until that special day. Still, our actual 1 year anniversary is coming up and we are considering getting promise rings to symbolize chastity. I think that is a meaningful thing to promise, and have a reminder about. We are not planning to spend too much money on it, simply to make that promise to each other and the Lord. It sort of came up during a conversation about what the purpose of promise rings was and how we both thought it was usually silly (lol, irony!) so we discussed reasons why one might be viable, and realized that was both appropriate and meaningful for us and fell in love with the idea. What is your view on this one?

    1. Thanks for asking. I completely support any commitment you two are making to staying pure until marriage. If that is all you want – a pure ring/token to remind you of that commitment to God and yourself – knock yourselves out. I would however, discourage you from making it some form of a commitment to each other, unless you’re ready to get engaged.

      Here’s the litmus test –
      When someone sees your ring and says “Nice rings! What’s that for?” Does your answer begin with, “Me and my boyfriend…” or does it begin with, “I made a promise to God…” That will reveal your true intentions.

      Best wishes and thoughts toward both of you as you navigate life, love, and faith together!

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  36. I have a question. While reading this article I have come upon seeing the ring in a new perspective, In which I do agree and not agree on. However this question will be regarding my situation. I plan/want to get my girlfriend a promise ring before I go into the military. (She will be 17 and I will be 19, In other words… She will still be in High-school whilst I am Soldiering on.) I want it to be something significant to the both of us. The problem is, whilst reading this I do NOT want this to be seen so cheaply as the way you put it in your article. I want to know if I should go ahead and give it under these conditions.

  37. Everyone is different! I am 28, boyfriend is 40, he gave me a promise ring, that’s an engagement ring, isn’t ready to propose. Hinds sight, I wouldn’t have accepted it. Only because it’s confusing. It confuses me and also other people, especially, when they ask me if I’m married. Then it promps the question if I’m engaged… It has really done quite a number on me. I’ve been in situations where I was embarrassed, so I’ve told many people I’m married and others that I’m engaged. It’s not a good idea for women that are in their late 20’s or early 30’s. Maybe for girls who are going to college. For me it was a big mistake. Now I’m consumed in this lie that I’ve made up, and have this false hope that he will never ask me to marry him. It’s been 4 years, I think is to late to give him back the ring without making him feel pressured to marry me.

  38. I was given an engagement ring but was nvr asked to marry him that was the worst feeling ever he still refers to me as his gf it’s heartbreaking I told him I’ll remove your promise ring off my finger till your ready sad thing is we are expecting a baby in 4 months I know truly he doesn’t want a commitment

  39. Hi my boyfriend and i we are together almost 4 years and he promised me an engagement ring for Christmas last year and i didn’t get it till now what i have to do?

  40. Pastor John,

    We are both in our mid 30s and have had bad relationships. We went with the promise ring route because we knew we where not ready for marriage, but wanted to say hey we are committed to each other. We are now engaged and will be getting married next summer.

  41. I’m 19 and am studying medicine. I don’t want to get married until I have finished my degree in 5 years as weddings are expensive and can be stressful and time consuming to organise. My boyfriend, whom I love very much has given me a promise ring as his way of saying thst in 5 years time when we’re ready to get married we will. I think you don’t fully understand how difficult it can be to get married at a young age whilst studying and working casual jobs. Not all of us have rich parents that can pay for our weddings.

    1. I was 22 years old, in college, and working toward my career when I got engaged. We married that summer, broke as we were and all. Our entire wedding was less than $10k, counting her dress, invitations, and everything. It was the opposite of lavish but it was about us, not the day.
      I laughed out loud when you implied that perhaps I had rich parents. As if it’s THEIR job to finance MY life as an adult anyway. My folks did provide a nice honeymoon trip for my wife and I as a wedding gift. But by NO MEANS did either me or my wife come from wealth.
      Our priority was a future together, regardless of what we did or did not have. If I lose my job even now, I’ve still got her. If I completely change careers, we will walk through that together.
      You could be right… maybe I don’t understand. On the other hand, maybe I understand all too well and you should consider that I know what I’m talking about.
      Good luck in med school and your future wedding.

      1. I’m sure you also went to medical school and were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt. You are so condescending. I hate religion.

        1. Anna,
          If someone decides to put a medical career first, plus six figures of student debt, which likely puts them in a situation where they are paying it back for the next 20+ years – over a marriage, family, etc. – they are welcome to do that. But a promise ring will certainly not validate a relationship.

          As far as I am concerned… I made the sacrifices I chose to make for a far less lucrative career, that was rewarding to me personally, and allowed me to raise a family. If that makes you hate religion… that’s your call. But you’re the one trolling my blog.

  42. I feel like promise rings are a promise to never, never, ever marry you.
    Thank you for saying so!

  43. I recently received a “friendship” ring from someone I met online 4 months ago. I was very thrown off by our meeting since I didn’t feel the connection was there, and that this person wasn’t the right one for me.
    Even though I tried to convince them to keep the ring, they insisted that they had spent so much time thinking about this day, and I decided to received the gift.
    I would like to give the ring back now, but would not like to hurt their feelings or ego.
    Advice please.

    1. It sounds like he’s controlling you by making you feel guilty about giving it back. If you know he isn’t right for you, then tell him to take it back or you’ll give it away. Then tell him you two are done! Not trying to downplay the tension you feel, but it seems like you’re playing into his emotional manipulation. Best of luck, and I just prayed for you to navigate this situation with wisdom.

  44. I thought it was just me who felt this way lol! A woman I know gave her live in boyfriend bf a loan of $10,000, consigned for a luxury car, and many other things and just recieved a promise ring. I thought after all of her sacrifices he could have given her a real proposal

  45. You seem to have a very close-minded and pessimistic view of relationships that differ from the stereotypical one of man and woman dating -> getting married -> moving in together -> having kids. Promise rings are usually intended for young women who fully intend on getting married with their partner but feel that they need a bit more time. You’re making it sound as if only the man has a say when in fact it’s often the woman who is the one “without the balls to commit” as someone so eloquently put in the comments. Not wanting to commit to marriage usually has a LOT more to do with the fact that young people are generally in debt and don’t have enough money to pay for their dream wedding than the reasons you provided. And your “evidence” of how a few people that you know that were given promise rings didn’t get married is purely anectodal and therefore completely illegitimate. You need to cite some actual scientific studies on the correlation between promise rings and engagement rings in relationships to be able to give your point any credibility. But I forgot you’re a pastor so science means very little to you…

    1. So making personal attacks at me being a pastor means… I’m unintelligent? Fair enough…
      This is a perspective piece as I clearly indicated in the post. If you were looking for a scientific article you should have searched psychology studies on relationships and commitment issues, complete with latest study results.
      Instead you found your way to me. I presented a perspective grounded in 10+ professional years counseling couples. You reject my experience and insights. This is my personal blog, not a scientific publication. Move on with your life if you don’t like my opinions, but don’t be a troll.

  46. I agree to certain situations, but I do think there are a few exceptions when it comes to promise rings. I am currently in the military and I’ve had my long distance relationship for 2 years now. I only get to physically be with her about 2-3 times a year. I do think that a promise ring screams “I want to marry you…. But just not yet.” In my situation I do think it’s a proper display of commitment… Why??? Well when I think of engaging and marrying someone it’s a start to your life with your significant other. Sadly it wouldn’t be if I were to get engaged with her since I am 18 hours away. I can’t just get up and move back home where she’s attending college. It just simply doesn’t work that way since technically I’m government property. Now my “promise ring” won’t be anything fancy, it won’t put the slightest dent into my savings it’s just a symbol that I’m working and trying my hardest to move back home and once I do we will finally get to start our lives together. Also my girlfriend is Hmong and I’m not sure if you know anything about their cultures surrounding marriage but it’s quite extreme, if we were to marry while I’m still so far away she would be forced to move in with me by her family. I personally don’t want her to leave her family behind, find a new college, make new friends etc. I simply can’t force her to do that, now you might say “if she’s committed to marriage with you, that wouldn’t be I problem.” She would do it, I just don’t want to put that decision on her plate. Id like to know what you think about certain situations or if you will just stick to the same reply. I’m 23 and she’s 19 by the way. (Edited)

    1. Patrick,
      First of all, I come from a long line of family members who have spent time in the service, so thanks for what you do.
      Secondly, thanks for your honest question.
      If you understand my point of this post, then you realize that “promise rings” are just the superficial symptom of what I’m really calling out, and that’s a lack of commitment and maturity in relationships…
      Commitment is the dirty word of relationships. It has nothing to do with romance, butterflies, or goosebumps – the stuff we like. It has everything to do with dedication, faithfulness, perseverance, and hard work – all of which are prerequisites for a healthy marriage.
      In your specific case, I wonder, how long will you be away from her. A few months? Just propose when you get back. A year+? That’s tricky… but it comes back to the same question, “How committed are you two to getting married to one another, and is your relationship mature enough to entertain that thought seriously?” If you’re completely committed to it, I understand some token before leaving that gives her something to hope for and look forward to when you get back. A promise ring could be such a token, but I still am no fan of that as a mechanism for leading into a proposal. As I’ve said with several other people, you CAN give a promise ring without dooming your future marriage! It is not a cause of a bad future, but it is often a symptom of an immature relationship that’s more in love with the idea of getting married than it is committed to actually getting married.
      So of course, it’s up to you… Only you know the real depth of your relationship. Just be honest with yourself about where you two really are. Whatever you choose to do, best of luck in your future, and stay safe, sir.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  47. Good points …but I think it all depends on the couple ……where all different.

  48. I promise ring isn’t always looked at as “I kinda wanna marry you but I am not sure so wear the ring until I decide thanks honey”. It can be for multiple reasons. Whether it being a promise to always be friends, abstinence, or simply saying I promise I am serious about us and love you. My boyfriend recently gave me a ring and it was just to save I promise I love you not let’s et married soon.

  49. I disagree. Me and my girlfriend have been together for almost 10 months now. We both honestly love each other a lot and really care for one another. We also talk about our future together and how we’re going to get married..one day of course, but I’m going to be going to college next year and she’s only a sophomore in high school, so I want to get her a “promise ring” before I leave to show her: I promise to be there when she needs me, that I love her with all my heart, and that plan to wait on her cause I’m going to be with her for the rest of my life. I have talked to her about it and she likes the idea of it. We both think that doing this will be a huge part of our relationship, showing that we are committed to being together forever, and to one day get married. Please comment back with any thoughts.

    1. Joseph, you’re perfectly entitled to your opinion, as I have expressed mine. You asked for my feedback, so here’s what I have to offer…
      Your story sounds precisely like what I’m warning against in this post. Promise ring or not, somewhere around 95% of the relationships that you are describing as being in, eventually fall apart. You might be among the slim 5% that do make it. Frankly, I hope you are! But I can promise you that a promise ring, will have almost no impact on that outcome. You can try to prove me wrong, but it’s your life. I’m speaking to you from the other side of having counseled MANY couples through their relationships and into marriage. And I can tell you with complete confidence – If you’re ready, you’re ready. If you’re not, don’t make promises. That’s my advice.
      Regardless of the promise ring, I strongly suggest that, should you make plans to actually get married, that you allow an older, wiser, MARRIED couple to help you prepare for the real commitments that a healthy marriage requires. Get some pre-marriage counseling together. It’s actually a fun process of discovering more about each other as you get closer to your wedding.

      I’m not busting you up, just trying to be honest. I sincerely wish you and your girlfriend the best.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  50. Dear Pastor john,

    Even though a big part of me agrees with you, a part of me wants to believe that some promises can be made and kept. Iv been with my guy for a year and 3 months now and he has given me a promise ring for one sole purpose other than marrying me one day, that is, alot of people in this generation cheat countlessly. This is almost a way to lock each other down, hes mine and im his. Him giving me this ring has made me cry (i dont cry eaily at all) It made me feel special and made me feel more secure in our relationship. We come from different backgrounds as his culture likes to marry the same nathionality ect. He told me with it, that against all odds and no matter what his parents say, he will be mine always. His family are all married to different people and what not but this made a heat skip a beat knowing that all these hoes cant come close to his one girl and same to me. Simple thought and gestures can go a long way, after i graduate, get a job and make my money..thats when he hopefully pops the question….

    1. I never argued that any promise couldn’t be kept. I’m simply describing the obvious connection between couples who express their commitment through promise rings and the maturity/naivety of many of those relationships.
      And… “all these hoes”?! I’m not even sure what I need to say here. How about this – “If there are ‘hoes’ chasing your boyfriend, the ring won’t stop them. And neither will you. Only he can do that. If he can’t (read, won’t) then give him the ring back.
      Last of all, Mary. I hear plans like yours all the time, seriously. When unmarried couples say things to me like, “When I graduate, get a job, and settle in my career, then we’ll get engaged.” – what I hear is, “IF after we live through multiple life-defining events as singles apart from one another, then we’ll consider marriage.”
      Don’t get me wrong – I hope everything works out for you guys. But as you’ve described it, you are yet another relationship that is attempting to make a commitment to one another before you are ready to make that commitment. You think I’m wrong? Maybe I am. But ask yourself honestly why you are not ready to get married right now. If a promise ring doesn’t change any of those reasons, then you might begin to understand my point.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

  51. Gave my wife a promise ring within our first months of dating as a commitment that we were serious in our marriage-minded relationship. Proposed to her once our relationship and my financial ability to support her were in place. This July will be 33 years for us. Both her folks and mine knew what that commitment was about because I discussed with them first… so gonna have to disagree with you on the topic. I do agree that many are offered for the wrong reasons or intent, but there can be and are valid reasons for a promise ring.

    1. First – congrats on 33 years!

      Second, you are an exception, not the norm, and for that, congrats again.

      Third, with 33 years of marriage under your belt you definitively take the prize thus far as the most tenured couple represented in this conversation who’s marriage was preceded with a promise ring. I chalk that up to… COMMITMENT. Which is the real subject of this post anyway.

      Again… Congrats, and may your marriage continue to grow even healthier over the years.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

      1. I have to confess… I meant to write 32 years rather than 33, forgive the typo 😉

        As a father of three girls, none of my daughters had promise rings, two are married, the third in a serious relationship presently. It never came up. The issue of a promise ring never came up because with each suitor came a one on one conversation regarding zero-tolerance of recreational dating. My daughters knew this was a pre-requisite & didn’t always like it at the time, but each of them appreciate it now.

        If a suitor approached me about a promise ring, it better come with a great explanation, such as being in the military and going overseas, etc, as I prefer either all in, or all out, which gets right back to your point of commitment.

  52. Hi! I’ve been in a long-distance relationship for a year now and I’m about to head off for college. My girlfriend has anxiety, and she’s very afraid that I’m going to leave her for some college girl. We are both extremely committed to the relationship, and we love each other very much. I wanted to show her that I’m faithful to her, although its probably a bad idea to marry her since it’s a bit early for that, haha. Since we’re going to be so far apart, I wanted to get her something to show her and remind her that I’m never going to leave her, so I started to think about promise rings. I read the article although I feel like I have a bit more of a unique case (I’m not trying to “mark my territory” or anything, and I really do mean it as a promise that carries a meaning). I read some of the comments and they’re saying that it might be a good idea. I’m not sure what to do anymore, I really want to give her something that carries meaning and something that reminds her how much I love her, even if I’m not able to be by her side.

    1. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get her a token of your relationships, and a reminder that you’re still “there” for her. The point of this post – specifically addressing promise rings – is that it is an attempt to make a commitment before a couple is ready to actually make that commitment.
      I would still discourage you from doing the “promise ring” thing. If you are going to get married to each other, let your true proposal stand out and be special. Don’t rob it.
      If you end up NOT marrying each other, then don’t make it harder than it already is going to be. Just my thoughts.

      Blessings,
      Pastor John

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