This past week, I had the privilege of teaching during our youth service on Wednesday night. As a father of four, with two boys still in high school, I am very committed to influencing the next generation to know and follow Jesus. And I love it. I never get tired of how willing kids, teens, and young adults are to share their lives with you if you just take the time to be present.
After our games, worship, and lesson time, one of the teen girls in our ministry was talking with me and another leader about social media. She shared that she has a self phone, but with basically no apps: zero social media, not even YouTube. She basically just had calls, text, a calculator, an alarm, and maybe a school portal. This girl wasn’t bummed about her parents’ “strict” rules; in fact, she was all smiles, laughing, and full of joy. I jokingly pointed out to her that I could tell she was not on social media because she seemed happy. But it wasn’t really a joke…
Teenagers – especially girls – are very negatively impacted by social media, according to recent research. These studies suggest that there is a high correlation between heavy social media consumption (averaging 1.5+ hours per day) and depression, anxiety, suicidal feelings, self-harm, promiscuity, gender dysphoria, and substance abuse. Other studies also show a high impact on sleep deprivation, compounding bad school performance, social interactions, and other behaviors.
And don’t get me started on the content itself on social media… the constant barrage of negative news flooding our screens nonstop in real time from across the globe is enough to cause grown adults to need a big step back for their mental health. Add to that the “influencers” who have no business influencing anyone, especially children, and you have a recipe for mental and emotional struggles, identity issues, insecurity, and at the least, a constant, unhealthy, unproductive, and addictive distraction.
There’s a reason you can’t drink alcohol until 21, smoke before 18, or drive before 16. Because all of these activities are potentially very dangerous for a grown adult, but especially for a minor. I would submit that social media is at least as dangerous as all three. Here are a few ground rules we established with our teens, that I encourage every parent to consider implementing with their kids:
- Kids do not have the right to a private digital life. Period! My kids’ search history, text messages, phone conversations, apps used, etc. are all a matter of my business as their parent. Each of our kids received this talk when given a cell phone. If the government ever attempted to assert otherwise, I would simply stop paying for my kids to have a cell phone, and would get rid of them having one. It is that important to me.
- No apps without approval. We use the tools available to us to protect our kids. They cannot download any new apps – not even a benign game – without our private code. And my phone gives a notification when my code was used on my kids phone, in case they ever figure it out.
- Zero social media. The internet is a cesspool. Anyone can say almost anything, and the “rules” for what is allowed online, with full access by a minor, is filthy to say the least. I’m going to risk sounding mean to make this point… if your 12-15 year old has unrestrained or unchecked access to social media, you are being a negligent parent.
- Time limitations. We had our kids’ phones programmed to shut off access to everything besides texting or calling us after 9pm. One of my kids, found out that they can manipulate this by changing the time setting on their phone. Clever… So now we just make them turn in their phones before bed every night! All the chargers are in our bedroom, so they can’t even get a battery life without coming to us.
- YouTube is only accessible on the family TV. YouTube has a lot of valuable resources. My son has been learning guitar by watching tutorials on playing worship songs. But there is a lot of unwanted content as well. So they can only access it where everyone can see and hear what they’re watching!
- Regular phone checks. This goes back to the first rule, but we actually put this into action. I routinely check my teens’ phones, text conversations, and search history. I have set their phones up so that they cannot delete their browsing history. So anything they see, I will see. Even if the content filters keep them from accessing inappropriate materials, I can still see what they were trying to find. We have also clearly communicated this with our kids. It’s not a trap, it’s accountability.
It is not an invasion of privacy to monitor your child’s online activity. However, an invasion is taking place in the form of your kid being bombarded with everything the world thinks, believes, and does on the internet. The only thing they’ll fall “behind” on is anxiety, depression, insecurity, and negative views of themselves and others. Don’t let Instagram raise your teen. Don’t let TikTok or YouTube formulate your kid’s guiding values. You’re the parent, and that is your task. So may you parent your kids well in the digital world we find ourselves.
Blessings,
Pastor John