Marriage – Page 4 – John Markum

Single Guy’s Checklist

Posted on October 17, 2011 by johnmarkum

I gave the ladies a list of things to look for on their quest for the right guy, so it’s only fair that I give the fellas some things as well. Most guys don’t actually have a written list of things they’re looking for in a girl, but the thought is still the same. So here are some things you better pay attention to when it comes to the kind of girl you go after.

Is her love for Christ her first priority? This will affect everything else: purity, time, parenting, loyalty, forgiveness, etc. Ignore this, or make it less than your first criteria, and you’re being foolish.
Am I attracted to her? Why? Let’s not kid… guys, you want to marry someone you are physically attracted to. And some may call that shallow. I say that you better marry someone you are attracted to, otherwise you are making an even bigger opportunity for pornography or even adultery to creep into your marriage. I didn’t say she had to be a super model, or attractive according to cultural standards. She just has to be attractive to you. But past her physical appeal, what else draws you to her? Her laugh? Intelligence? Quick wits? Work ethic? Love of children? Cooking?
Is she desperate for “a” guy? I didn’t mention this as much with the girls mostly because almost no girl will go for a guy who just wants “a” girl. But guys seem to be more willing than girls to go after someone with low self-esteem. The reason is often because we like to be the hero for the damsel in distress. The problem is, you’re human, bro. You’re going to let her down, and you need someone who doesn’t look to you as her Messiah. Refer back to #1.
What is her relationship like with her parents? Different reasons than with the ladies. True, her relationship with her father can almost always predict with near dead-eye accuracy how she will treat you. But girls are also more likely to let their parents have a say in their relationship. See if that’s something she might struggle with. It’s good for her to be tight with her mom, but you don’t want her bashing you to your mother-in-law behind your back after you say “I do.” Talk about and make sure she’s on board with working your problems out together, without mom and dad’s help. If not, you might want to let mom and dad have her!
Can she admit when she’s wrong? Us guys know that we mess up a lot, so for us, we need to make sure that we give sincere apologies, and not just quick ones. But ladies can be stubborn when it becomes their turn to admit fault. I’ve never cared much for women who are more interested in being right than they were in making things right.
Do I ever feel like I want a break from her? Not in the quasi-break up kind of way. I mean more in the way of…. well… I’ll just say it: Do you ever just want to get away from her? I’m surprise at how many dudes say “YES!!!” to this. I’m not saying that you should be with her every minute of the day, but if you get tired of being around her, that’s a major red flag, bro! I’ve been married 7 years, and yes I have time for myself, and there are times when it’s impossible for us to be together, but I can’t think of a time that I wanted Tiffany to be away from me.
Will she follow me?/Can I lead her? If she can’t follow your lead you’re wasting your time. Period. No, Gungor, you don’t need to rule your home like a barbarian with a wife that grovels in your presence. However, you do need a wife that honors you and views you as the leader among two equals in her home. It’s what you’re really looking for anyway. Don’t settle for less.

Blessings,

John

Single Ladies’ Checklist

Posted on October 17, 2011 by johnmarkum

EVERY unmarried girl I’ve ever know has had “the list”: a detailed description of what her ideal man would be like. Some of the things on the list are non-negotiables while some of them are more “wants” than requirements. Regardless of who you are, here are a few things that should make the list of all the single ladies (I couldn’t resist):

Loves Jesus more than you. If he does, you should feel more secure, not less. He answers to a higher authority than you regarding your relationship.
Respects his parents. He will bring several parts from this relationship into your marriage… just like you will.
Has a J-O-B. A real man takes care of himself and his family. No excuses. If he would rather have no job over washing dishes, RUN! Also be very leery of a guy that quits one job before he has another.
Treats all women with respect. Young, old, attractive, less attractive, funny, boring, whatever… Treating women with respect without any thought of what he can get out of his kindness, tells me that chivalry is part of his values, not simply his behavior on a first date.
Physically patient. If he gets pushy for the first kiss, leave him. Period. What else will he try pressuring you into? If he cannot delay gratification in the small things, it’s unlikely that he will on the bigger, more obvious things later. There’s a word for this guy: selfish. And he’s more interested in what he can get than in what you need.
Self-secure. Confidence is extremely attractive. Few people want to be with someone that is always down on themselves. And a man definitely requires a certain amount of security in himself, and your relationship, if he is going to be any kind of leader. If he constantly questions you on where you’re going, who you’re with, etc. then maybe you need to sit down and talk about the root of these insecurities. If it can’t be resolved, you may need to move on. Insecurity can escalate dangerously if not put into check.
Not Conceited. While you want a man that is self secure, you do not want a man who thinks he’s “all that.” If he loves himself more than you, chances are, he’ll end up being the only one with such a high opinion of himself.
Compatibility. Specifically in the areas of family expectations, life direction, and values. If he intends on living on the west coast and you’re from Virginia, you may have to decide whether you’re willing to live so far from your family. Also, are you willing to be married to a guy who does __________ for a living? Or did you always dream of marrying a guy that did something else? How much of those things are you willing to let go of or adapt?

Blessings,

John

The Questions You Asked… Part 3

Posted on August 6, 2011 by johnmarkum

Question: “Is it ok to ask out a girl who has a boyfriend?” Answer: I don’t have a Bible verse to go with this really… But here’s how I would see it: If she did say yes, and becomes your girlfriend, how much confidence do you have that she won’t leave you when the next guy asks her out? I don’t have a clear right/wrong answer on this, but most things that are “gray” are usually more black than white. Tread carefully…
Question: “Since Adam and Eve were the first humans, where did their sons’ wives come from?” Answer: Don’t be too grossed out, but… their sisters. God allowed it in the beginning for the propagation of the race. Hey! Facts aren’t always fun. Just be glad that you have more options now…
Question: “Does God hear the prayers of unbelievers?” Answer: God hears every prayer. The real question is, does He answer? As far as I’m concerned, I’m not entirely sure, though in general, I would elan toward “no.” I answer the needs/desires of my kids, but not usually those of the neighbor’s kid… One prayer is sure that God will listen to: Faith in Christ/Repentance of sin.
Question: “How can I know what my spiritual gift is?” Answer: By refusing to sit still hoping God will speak it to you in a dream or special revelation. I was not a great communicator when I surrender to full time ministry in 8th grade (You should have heard my first message… on second thought, no you shouldn’t!). When you open yourself up to letting God use you, instead of waiting for “something” to happen to you, God shows His will. Faith requires action. Your gifts will always be in the capacity of helping other people grow closer to God. And there are thousands of ways this could look for you. I made a post here on finding God’s will for your life. Hope that helps.
Question: “What does it really mean to have a walk/relationship with Jesus Christ?” Answer: When you stop asking “What can I get away with?” and start asking “How can I be like Jesus?” you’re getting close. The evidence can be found in how you treat others. I think I’ll give this more attention with it’s own blog post. Thanks for asking a great question that we all need to answer for ourselves!
Question: “What does it mean when a Christian ‘accepts Christ,’ gets baptized, does most of the right stuff, but they never give or serve anywhere? Are they really saved?” Answer: “Faith without works is dead.” What you believe is evidenced by what you do. But I don’t know if anyone is saved… except for me. I don’t know people’s hearts. I can only observe their outward behavior as indicators as to whats inside. In this case, I would suggest that you expand your idea of how gracious God is with His own children. Maybe this person just hasn’t matured to that point yet. If Christ has given them new life, they’ll get there. If they are not saved, then our response is still the same: Love them to Jesus! Let Him change them! I can’t change anyone… neither can you.
Question: “Did dragons/dinosaurs exist after the flood?” Answer: My thought? Yeah… they did. Maybe still do. Several “pre-historic” species (such as certain fish) were believed to long since evolved or died off that have been caught in the wild still. Job, in the Bible, refers to two creatures –Leviathon and Behemoth– that existed post-flood and sound dinosaur-esque. Some have tried to label these two creatures as a hippo/elephant and an alligator. But that just doesn’t fit. They sound like a dinosaur/dragon of some kind. And there is plenty of scientific theory to lend support as to how this may have been possible.