I NEED My Wife…

The title for this post is somewhat controversial, as it turns out. At least according to roughly 60 women in a comments section online who called me “weak,” “pathetic,” and, let’s just say, much worse. Sitting on the other side of 20+ years of marital bliss, I was far more amused than I was offended by their remarks.

Their protests came generally in the form of the women personalizing my comment of me “needing” my wife, to imagining themselves ever admitting that they need a man. The notion was preposterous to most of them. They insisted that they can pay their own bills, buy themselves flowers, etc., without the help of a man to survive. Although I attempted a few times to explain that survival was not what I was talking about, they wouldn’t hear anything past my using the word “need”. So I moved on with my life and utterly fulfilling marriage. But perhaps it’s worth digging deeper…

Do men need their wife?
Do women need their husband?
Do married people need each other in any meaningful sense?
And if so, is that a good or bad thing to depend on the other?

What I could never explain in a comment section, I’ll attempt to address here. There is a hierarchy of dependence. Without understanding this hierarchy, you are likely going to be single forever, or become single in the foreseeable future. There are three layers, as I see it, to this hierarchy, so let’s begin at the bottom…

Layer 1: Dependence

The first layer is fairly obvious. You are relatively helpless. A child, for lack of a better word. This is what most people think of when they think of needing someone else. If your parental figure doesn’t feed you, you will likely go hungry. If they don’t shelter you, you end up on the streets. You get the idea. And being dependent is not inherently bad – if you’re a child. The problem is being dependent, while technically an adult, age-wise. An adult who is helplessly dependent upon others for basic survival is not commendable. This does not mean that you have to have your whole life figured out before pursuing a relationship. But you should be thinking through it like an adult, and working toward a noble pursuit by which to add value to the world, survive reasonably, and glorify God in the process.

Layer 2: Independence

This is the coveted prize that everyone – especially the particular commenters I had the misfortune of stumbling into – views as the ultimate achievement. You have a job, benefits, savings, retirement plan, your own house/apartment – you’ve made it. You don’t need anyone… to survive. And if this is the height of your ambition in life, then it should come as no mystery why no one wants a relationship with you besides people who are content to do nothing with themselves. Which, ironically, you’re not even attracted to, given how hard you worked to become independent. That kind of relationship involves adopting a dependent, which we’ve already covered, is generally bad if you’re an adult. So you’ve got to ask yourself, independent for what? Because independence is lonely, for starters. And you’re missing out on life big time if you stay here. But, there is another level, which I submit is far more preferable.

Layer 3: Interdependence

Interdependence happens when you finally reach the maturity to realize and accept that independence alone is selfish and unsatisfying. But what happens when two independent people are willing to depend on each other? That’s interdependence! It looks like this… I’m going to voluntarily give up some of my independence (where I go, who I’m with, only caring about myself, etc.) and you are going to give up some of yours. And the net result is far more than either of us could do on our own. This requires a few things, like love, commitment, loyalty, and trust if it’s going to work. But what you’ll find, is that you get back far more than you give. And so does the other person! Why? Because interdependence is vastly superior to independence! How, you ask? Let’s see…

• A stable home to raise our children with both a loving mother and father.
• Double the income, benefits, etc. to build a future and legacy together.
• Intimacy – not just sex – but deep, spiritual, soul-enriching intimacy built over time.
• A far deeper drive to dream, build, and succeed than my own self-gratification.
• A partner to keep you balanced when life gets overwhelming.
• A co-laborer in all of the “stuff” life throws at us.
• And perhaps most importantly, a witness to your life.

The kind of meaning my life has, because I have had Tiffany, cannot be expressed with my best amalgamation of words. She has seen me at my lowest, highest, silliest, and most crushed. We have danced, ugly-cried, overcome immense challenges, and created the best memories imaginable. If I were to die tomorrow, my life and memories live on in her, the family we raised, and the legacy we built together.

If you live your whole life stuck in independence, your life is all about you. Your life, memories, and everything important to you will fade from existence with the last person who knew you. And even they won’t know the real you, only the independent you, that you worked so hard to maintain. And the cool thing is, you do not have to get married to have interdependence. You can belong to a mutually committed community of people who share in the collaborative work of life, business, and relationships together. And yet, the highest form of this interdependence is, without question, in marriage.

So no, I don’t need my wife for groceries, power bills, or rent. What I need from her is so much more important than that. You can make and lose a hundred fortunes over your life and still survive, if your only goal is to work and pay the bills until you inevitably arrive safely at death. But most of us will only really get one good shot at building a legacy worth remembering with someone. And that’s not only priceless, it’s impossible on your own.

“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor; for if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up! Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him. A cord of three strands is not quickly torn apart.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

Blessings,
Pastor John