Beth and Randy Ritter are the epitome of a worthwhile marriage to Tiffany and me. They were in their 70’s when Tiff and I knew them, and had been married for over 50 years. Every Sunday they would walk from the church parking lot into the building holding hands, smiling, making eyes at each other, and giggling like a couple of 18 year-old’s on their first date. They had raised kids together, moved around the country, and were the embodiment of self-sacrificial love. I learned more about a worthwhile marriage from watching the two of them for 3 years than in an entire marriage seminar. I doubt they even realized they had an impact on my marriage, but they did.
If nothing worthwhile is ever easy, marriage is definitely an example worth noting: It is both worthwhile and difficult. And I’m not saying that because my marriage is struggling. I’m saying that because my marriage takes work, like every marriage that counts.
This is the reason why no pastor at Edgewood would ever perform a wedding for someone that had not first gone through a series of pre-marriage counseling sessions. Each of us do a few things different but the overall message is the same with all of us: a wothwhile marriage takes work. Too many couples spend way more time and money on one day, the wedding, but then expect the rest of their marriage to be simple, effortless bliss. The average cost of a wedding is just over $24,000! That’s more money than I made per year in my first job out of college. But for all the fuss, and preparation, and money, and stress, very few actually expect to have to work at their marriage.
It kills me when I hear other couples say things like “I wish we had a marriage like Mr./Mrs. So-n-so!” Well then do the things that Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so are doing! Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so would tell you that they make time for each other, they work through their disagreements, they put the desires and needs of the other above their own, and they still have dates. And if you have kids, then you have to double your efforts. Because having kids raises the stress level in your marriage and decreases you motivation to want to do anything for anyone else.
And older couples are in just as much need to do something difficult in their marriage. The divorce statistics of couples who have been married for 15+ years is alarming. I’ve lost track of the couples I’ve heard of that had a great marriage at one point, and a few years after the kids leave home, they split too.
If you want a good marriage, you’ve got to do the things that create a good marriage. As a man who married way out of his league, I can tell you from firsthand experience that it pays off to put hard work into your marriage. We celebrate 7 years this June, and it seems unreal that we’ll be having our fourth (and final!) child this August. Some days it feel like we’re running an asylum trying to keep up with the needs of a home, 3 kids, a growing ministry, and each other. But Tiffany is my best friend and partner in all of these areas of my life and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
Whether you and your better-half are newly weds, veterans, engaged, or you’re as single as a $1 bill, your marriage (or future marriage) will depend on your willingness to do what is worthwhile versus what is convenient.
Have a long, healthy, worthwhile marriage!
Blessings,
John