suicide – John Markum

Let’s talk about depression: part 1

Posted on December 18, 2018 by johnmarkum

What Depression is NOT

After attempting to commit some necessary thoughts to writing, I realized this was way bigger than a post – it needed to be more of an on-going conversation.

Recently, I confessed to my staff, church family, and those who follow me on social media that I have been actively struggling with depression and that it has been particularly difficult this past year.

I’m still not ready to get into most of the details of my battle, but I will share a few things about my story:
1. It’s been a lifelong battle.
2. I’ve been to the brink of suicide. More than once.
3. Talking about it has helped. Like, a lot.
4. Jesus is stronger than my struggle.

“Jesus is stronger than my struggle.”

Let me begin this conversation with a couple of thoughts on what, I’m convinced depression is not…

1. Depression is not evidence of being far from God. I’ve heard it all. Someone actually said I needed to repent of my depression. Oh, trust me! I would love to if that made it go away! I’m a pastor, Christian counselor, and coach to other pastors planting churches. One of the greatest ironies of my journey through depression, has been these rare moments, often when the darkness feels the strongest, that I feel the presence of God in more clear, compelling ways than ever. In many ways, depression has drawn me closer to God. And if that’s the price of knowing Him more intimately, I don’t just accept my depression, I rejoice in it. His grace is sufficient, and I glory in my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. You see – these verses are fun to quote until the “thorn in the flesh” is taboo – like a pastor admitting to depression.
2. Depression is not an age issue. Yes, I struggled with suicide and depression since my teen years – but I’m over twice the age I was when I nearly ended my own life. I’m not a millennial – in fact I’m closing in on 40. Since sharing my depression publicly, I’ve had literally dozens of people – mostly men, and many of them pastors – who have shared their struggle with depression. A huge percentile of these people were older than me, been in ministry longer than me, and some had confessed to suicidal thoughts also.
3. Depression is not predictable. I consider myself very self-aware. I’m as comfortable with questioning my instincts as I am trusting them. And there’s few things as frustrating for me as feeling “wrong” on the inside, but not understanding why. Depression isn’t just limited to bad days, bad news, or bad memories. Depression can wreck your first day off in weeks. Depression can put you in a funk right before a date night you’ve been looking forward to all day.
4. Depressed people are not always sad. How does someone so full of life like Robin Williams commit suicide? How can a young, charismatic preacher with a beautiful family and great life end it all? Because often, those with the capacity to express the greatest joy also possess the capacity to feel the deepest pain. I’ll commit more energy to this subject in a future post.
5. Depression is not simple. Pray more. Read your Bible more. Exercise more. Eat better. I’ve been told all of the above, and those who struggle with depression will tell you that these things individually and collectively have immense impact on their ability to cope with, and even overcome depression. But it is almost never as simple as “gut health” or spiritual discipline. If you treat the symptoms but never get true rest and healing at the source, you’ll spend your life tired from trying to fix yourself, and getting frustrated – and more depressed. Once you finally get quiet and still, you find that the shadows of your soul still lurk, waiting for you to become even more fatigued.
• Depression is not unusual. Every kind of person struggles with depression. Christians. Atheists. Soldiers. Millennials. Boomers. Caucasians, African-descent, Hispanics, Asians, wealthy, poor, educated, uneducated, and every other variety or amalgamation of the above. It hasn’t been talked about enough. There’s been too much shame associated with it, and as a result, many people who could have gotten help didn’t. This has created two effects that I see: 1) People with depression have felt isolated and more alone than we know to be true, and 2) because of this, few people know where to turn for help.

It’s time we break the silence, and begin the conversation. It’s time to talk about depression. I still believe Jesus is the only Healer of our broken world and broken hearts, but we’ve got to be honest about the problems, if we’re ever going to accurately apply the solution.

I’m John – a pastor, husband, and father with a great life. I struggle with depression. Let’s talk.

Why you shouldn’t commit suicide

Posted on February 22, 2011 by johnmarkum

I recently preached at one of our services at Edgewood where I shared with our church that I was once on the brink of taking my life. God brought me through some intense and painful moments in my life to allow me to speak life into someone else who may be considering following through with the last and worst decision of their life. I acknowledge that, statistically, many of my readers here on the blog either have considered or attempted suicide, or have been affected by it through someone close to them who has. If that’s you or someone close to you, I want to give you 4 reasons to put down your selected instrument of death and never go back to that thought again:

It’s Selfish: Suicide is easily the most selfish thing that you can do. If you take your own life, you are saying to the world that you care more about the way you feel right now than how you are going to make everyone you know feel for the rest of their lives. Perhaps you even want to make some of them hurt, but consider all of the collateral damage you would cause. For the rest of their lives these people will have to hurt at the thought of what you did – your parents, siblings, friends, classmates, coworkers, girlfriend/boyfriend, spouse, children, church, youth group, pastor, etc…
It’s Permanent: Unlike most of the actual reasons people commit suicide, this is not fixable. It can’t be undone. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Whatever you’re going through right now that is causing you to consider ending it all, there are alternatives to escaping this. Perhaps you’re stuck in an abusive situation… then get out. Go anywhere else. Heck! Hitch-hike to Canada before you just quit! Perhaps you’re experiencing a profound loss. The pain does wear off. New relationships bring comfort and healing. Maybe you were broken up with, or divorced, or abandoned, or lost someone close to you to death. My heart genuinely goes out to you. But just because this is the end of a part of your life, does not mean it is the end of your entire life.
It’s Faithless: God’s faithfulness is the most consistent theme throughout the entire Bible. Not that bad stuff didn’t happen. But God proves His faithfulness even in life’s darkest hours. The Psalmist once wrote, “I wait for You more than they who wait for the morning.” What he means is,“God, I am so sure that You will come through for me that I have even more confidence in You showing up, than the watchmen who are waiting for morning light to show up.” Faith in these moment looks like this – God, this hurts right now, and I want out so bad. But I know that somehow, this is not where my story ends. And since You haven’t called me home to You yet, I will wait and see how You show up in the middle of this current anguish.
You’ll Miss Out: I was 18 when I almost took my life. If I had ended it all there, I would have missed out on the following: 4 amazing, life-transforming years of college – building several friendships that would last a lifetime – meeting and marrying the most beautiful, compassionate woman in the world – seeing God show up in miraculous ways – raising 3 (almost 4) incredible kids – finding a loving, empowering church family – playing catch with my little boy – dancing with my little “princesses” in the living room – having tickle parties with my kids – watching my kids give their lives to Christ – seeing them fall in love – walking my girls down the aisle – growing old with my wife – helping countless dozens who have almost taken their lives. Don’t you get it?!? Every great story has moments of doubt, confusion, trial, hopelessness, and darkness. Don’t quit before you get to see your story finish the right way with victory and overcoming the odds.

Don’t put a period in your life, where God has only put a comma. You are worth it. Your story is going to be empowering to someone else. Your greatest moments are still ahead. Pain doesn’t have to just hurt. Make it through this! Trust me! It IS worth it… I would know.

Blessings,

John

REAL: “Speak Life”

Posted on November 9, 2010 by johnmarkum

This past week, we wrapped up series “REAL: life meets church” with a message called Speak Life, (Proverbs 18:21, “Life and death are in the power of the tongue…”) in which I shared the story of my teenage friend, Bryce, who literally spoke life into me when I was on the verge of suicide. You can read all about that under my post here. We looked in James 3:1-12 which deals with the potential power that our tongues possess to do good or destruction. We also looked at a few other passages and took some principles away from how we talk to people:

Your sin is my business. And my sin is your business. As brothers and sisters in Christ, we are to call one another into our potential to be Christ-like. Hebrews 3:12-13
Build up, don’t tear down. Whenever we speak to others, even when correcting, we use words of life to build them up not tear them down. Jesus did this even when confronting an adulterous women. He did not condone her sin, but called her out of that lifestyle and into her potential.
Don’t be a fool. Proverbs 12:15, “A fool is wise in his own eyes; but the wise receive counsel.” Assume that you can learn something from anyone.
Deal with the person. Matthew 18, Christ tells us how to handle conflict with people which begins with “go to them…” Don’t try to deal with a tense situation over facebook! Go to them, or at least call them.
Stay out of it. Refuse to listen to someone else tearing another person down. It’s gossip, and you should refuse to receive it or spread it. Period. Don’t give-in to your curiosity at the expense of someone else’s reputation.