Living – Page 14 – John Markum

Fathering Daughters

Posted on December 7, 2011 by johnmarkum

When Tiffany and I started growing our family, God blessed us with two girls before we had our boys, Josiah and Elijah. I had always been the kind of man that looked forward to raising my boys:

Throwing the ball in the backyard.
Coaching them in baseball or basketball.
Going fishing.
Watching them begin taking an interest in girls.
Explaining later why girls are so mean (kidding! kinda…).

But then we had Emilee… and then Kali. And suddenly I had to begin thinking in terms of Barbie dolls, tea parties, princess dresses, estrogen, and (some day) boys – as in other boys. Boys who will look at my little princesses the same way that I first looked at their mother years earlier. At least I’ll know how to deal with that side of things. I can communicate very effectively to the male specie (“Touch her anywhere, and your loved ones will never find you again.”). But I digress…

I think I’ve always had a good idea of what it meant to be a good Dad to boys. And if we had started out with Josiah and Elijah, I wonder if I would have been as good of a father to my girls as I’m trying to be now. But being blessed with the family God gave me, made me have to think about this sooner. So here are a few things I feel as if God has taught me about being a father to Emilee and Kali, that every man with a little girl should realize:

Girls like to be noticed. Yes, in general all females do. But they start looking for it very young. And it’s different than with boys. Girls want you to watch them dance, show you their new outfits, sing you a song, and on it goes. Boys do need attention too, but I find that they’re looking more for affirmation, whereas girls are looking for admiration.
Girls need gentleness. I’m working on this one. It can be so hard to show this when they get in trouble. Specifically, I’m learning to walk the tight line between being gentle and being soft. I still have to be their parent, which requires rules, discipline, and consistency. But with my girls, I have to manage to show them tenderness even when disciplining. I told Emilee once that when she disobeys it makes me sad. She didn’t even realize I had feelings past happy and angry before that.
She’ll likely marry a man like you. I “date” my daughters for this very reason. Whatever poor young man tries taking my girls out for a date one day is going to have huge shoes to fill. Not because I spoil them, but because I treat them like the young women I know they can be one day. If your daughter uses you as a model for finding a husband, what kind of standards will she have?
I can be myself. My girls get to see the real me. My kids know that I work at a church, that God is my boss, I tell people about Jesus, I like Mountain Dew, video games, guitars, sports, and books, I get in trouble at home for saying “stupid,” and that I am helplessly in love with their Mommy. My girls don’t need me to be more feminine (something I can’t be), they need me to be a better man (something I should be).

Blessings,

John

I would rather…

Posted on December 1, 2011 by johnmarkum

I have a tendency to be extreme. And I also don’t see that – entirely – as a bad thing. To me, mediocrity is the enemy. Jesus told a church in Revelation that they were “lukewarm” and basically made Him want to throw up because they were neither hot nor cold… like room-temp coffee… or worse, milk! Balance is not always good. Sometimes, balance is an excuse we use for compromising to laziness, fear, and disobedience to God. Because of that…

I would rather trust God for big things and endure criticism, than stay in my place of safety and never see God move.
I would rather do something now while the opportunity is ready, than talk about it until it no longer matters.
I would rather have an uncomfortable conversation with someone, than ignore the problem and hope it doesn’t get worse.
I would rather try too hard, than not hard enough.
I would rather be misunderstood than ignored.
I would rather give everything than give a “token” gift.
I would rather be too tired than too comfortable.

I always hate it in baseball or softball when a batter gets strike three watching a pitch. As if they’re afraid of the consequences of taking a rip at it. Yes, there’s a chance you could miss. But you always miss 100% of the pitches you never swing at. Get in the game! Do something significant! Risk too much, not too little! Wouldn’t you rather?

Blessings,

John

“Stop and Look at Me!”

Posted on October 28, 2011 by johnmarkum

Kids, man… I’ve got FOUR!!! And I love the heck out of each of them. But they can also be a handful! There are times when my kids are playing in the house and running around after each other, making noise, and causing general chaos. I’ll sometimes try to speak over the situation with some kind of instruction, like:

“Hey, no running in the house!”
“Don’t you dare throw that at her!”
And my favorite… “BE QUIET!”

Eventually the chaos is more than I can stand and I have to get very direct. I’ll grab one of my children and pull them away from their ruckus, and demand their undivided attention. But even as I am calmly attempting to give them a very clear, direct command to behave the right way, they sometimes will try to pull away from me, eyes pointing back toward their favorite distractions. It’s then that I demand them to “Stop and look at me!” Sometimes I’ll say, “Give me your eyes!” I know that until they pull their mind away from their chaos, they’ll never really hear what I’m trying to tell them.
Is it possible that you and I miss out on what God is trying to tell us because we are so busy with our grown-up chaos? When is the last time you felt God saying, “Stop and look at Me!”
I confess that sometimes my prayers consist of little more than a quick shout-out to God as I’m racing from this meeting to that function, and back to my office before the next function. That’s like my kids running around, doing their thing and giving me a “uh huh, yeah, ok Dad. Whatever you say…” kind of response. They didn’t hear me. And they’re probably not going to act on what I told them. Their eyes give it away. When they’re not listening to me, they’re usually looking away at what they would rather be doing other than talk to me. And God knows that until He “gets our eyes” He doesn’t really have our attention either.

When is the last time that you got out of your chaotic schedule, slowed down, and gave God your undivided attention? If you do have a regular habit of quiet time and prayer, how easily distracted do you get by the demands of your life? What will it take for you to “give God your eyes”? What are the things that you’re often looking at that pull your attention away from stopping and looking at God for a few minutes each day? A cell phone? Computer screen? TV?
Slow down your day for 15 minutes, preferably before the chaos really begins, and quiet yourself, tell God you’re listening, and give Him your “eyes.” You’ll feel closer to Him throughout the day, you’ll likely be a lot less stressed, and you’ll give God priority above all your other pressing demands.

Blessings,

John