Marriage – Page 7 – John Markum

5 Ways to Make your Kids Hate Church

Posted on June 3, 2011 by johnmarkum

I have served in full-time ministry for over 6 years now. I’ve been a children’s pastor at one church, and the college pastor at Edgewood and leading pastor for our Saturday night service. Having seen kids growing up in church as well as the aftermath of kids who have grown up in church, here are a few ways to make sure your kids will one day hate church as adults, if not sooner…

Give them a choice. Yeah, yeah, I know. Your kids should want to go to church on their own. But do you give them the choice to go to school or not? NO?! You make them go whether they feel like it or not?!? How dare you force your educational values on those poor kids! Of course I’m simply making a point here. You are suppose to parent your kids. If you hope they will want to go to church as young adults you will have to make them go now. You have to lead them to good behaviors, not simply expect them to decide it on their own.
Bad-mouth the preacher. If you don’t honor the pastors and leaders of your church, why should your kids? They will pick up your attitudes.
Be a hypocrite. My generation is full of adults who grew up out of “good Christian homes” and everyone is stunned at why they left church at 19 and never looked back. For many of them, the reason is that the people their parents were at church was different fro the people they were at home. Be two-faced and you’re sure to run your kids far from a place where they feel like everyone there is a liar.
Christian school. Here me out… I came from a Christian school. I loved my Christian school. But a good Christian school will never compensate for poor parenting. As a former children’s pastor, my wife and I observed kids who were sent to public schools, Christian schools, private non-Christian schools, and home schooled. While there were some distinguishing characteristics, no particular schooling produced kids who were better behaved, more spiritually inclined, or intellectually superior. What we did notice, however, was that the kids who made good choices, were spiritually growing, and had good grades all had parents who were training their children to be that way. Some of the most impressive young people I’ve ever met had only been in public schools. Conversely, some of the most rebellious I’ve known had always been in Christian schools. You still have to be the parent.
Be inconsistent. Nothing says, “this isn’t that important” to a kid like being a CEO church attender (Christmas and Easter Only). My kids never question attending church on Easter and Christmas. Why? Because they’ve attended every weekend for the past year, not just last Easter. It’s part of who we are as a family. And not just because I’m a pastor. My home growing up was the same way. And my Dad was in the Army. We moved every 3 years. But we always found a new church home and stayed connected to it. And we never left that church until my Dad got relocated by Uncle Sam. Your kids will determine what you believe by what you do. Don’t tell your kids that God, faith, and church are important and then attend church once a month or twice a year. Your actions have already told them differently.

You are the best person to teach your children spiritual morals and life values. Don’t you dare back away or chicken-out on the holy anointing God has called you to as a parent! You and I are in the best position to raise a generation of godly men and women. As parents.

Blessings,

John

The Worthwhile Marriage

Posted on May 20, 2011 by johnmarkum

Beth and Randy Ritter are the epitome of a worthwhile marriage to Tiffany and me. They were in their 70’s when Tiff and I knew them, and had been married for over 50 years. Every Sunday they would walk from the church parking lot into the building holding hands, smiling, making eyes at each other, and giggling like a couple of 18 year-old’s on their first date. They had raised kids together, moved around the country, and were the embodiment of self-sacrificial love. I learned more about a worthwhile marriage from watching the two of them for 3 years than in an entire marriage seminar. I doubt they even realized they had an impact on my marriage, but they did.

If nothing worthwhile is ever easy, marriage is definitely an example worth noting: It is both worthwhile and difficult. And I’m not saying that because my marriage is struggling. I’m saying that because my marriage takes work, like every marriage that counts.

This is the reason why no pastor at Edgewood would ever perform a wedding for someone that had not first gone through a series of pre-marriage counseling sessions. Each of us do a few things different but the overall message is the same with all of us: a wothwhile marriage takes work. Too many couples spend way more time and money on one day, the wedding, but then expect the rest of their marriage to be simple, effortless bliss. The average cost of a wedding is just over $24,000! That’s more money than I made per year in my first job out of college. But for all the fuss, and preparation, and money, and stress, very few actually expect to have to work at their marriage.

It kills me when I hear other couples say things like “I wish we had a marriage like Mr./Mrs. So-n-so!” Well then do the things that Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so are doing! Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so would tell you that they make time for each other, they work through their disagreements, they put the desires and needs of the other above their own, and they still have dates. And if you have kids, then you have to double your efforts. Because having kids raises the stress level in your marriage and decreases you motivation to want to do anything for anyone else.

And older couples are in just as much need to do something difficult in their marriage. The divorce statistics of couples who have been married for 15+ years is alarming. I’ve lost track of the couples I’ve heard of that had a great marriage at one point, and a few years after the kids leave home, they split too.

If you want a good marriage, you’ve got to do the things that create a good marriage. As a man who married way out of his league, I can tell you from firsthand experience that it pays off to put hard work into your marriage. We celebrate 7 years this June, and it seems unreal that we’ll be having our fourth (and final!) child this August. Some days it feel like we’re running an asylum trying to keep up with the needs of a home, 3 kids, a growing ministry, and each other. But Tiffany is my best friend and partner in all of these areas of my life and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Whether you and your better-half are newly weds, veterans, engaged, or you’re as single as a $1 bill, your marriage (or future marriage) will depend on your willingness to do what is worthwhile versus what is convenient.

Have a long, healthy, worthwhile marriage!

Blessings,

John

Gender Equality and the Bible

Posted on January 8, 2011 by johnmarkum

Some have suggested that the Bible puts women in a place of inferiority in the home, society, and with God. Before I get too deep into the subject, it suits us to first observe a few facts regarding this subject:

Both men and women are created in God’s image, and therefore considered to possess similarities to God in their own unique ways, and to be of equal value to God. (Genesis 1:27)
Women are found to be used by God in places of leadership as well as men. (See Deborah, Anna, Priscilla, Huldah, Phoebe, Lydia…)
Women have been prophets in the Bible.
Women have provided leadership and instruction from God to men, including kings and preachers.
One woman appears to have been a “deacon” in the church. (The greek word diakonos is translated to “deacon” but literally it means “servant.” It is applied to specific men, as well as Phoebe in the New Testament. Some translations call Phoebe a “deacon” or “deaconess” for consistency.)
Scripture generally excludes women from teaching in the church except under the authority of a man, specifically her husband. (1 Timothy 2:11-12)
Women are required by God to be submissive to their husband “as unto the Lord”. (Ephesians 5:22, 23)
Men are required by God to love their wife “as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it.” (Ephesians 5:25)

Now to summarize all of this with what we already know, we have to start by acknowledging that men and women are different and therefore cannot possibly be “equal” in every way, nor should they be. Physically, emotionally, relationally, biologically, and mentally we are totally different. So more accurately, men and women are equal in value, but not in role or function. The average man is stronger than the average woman. The average woman can have babies. Men… 0%. Men are more adept at learning some skills and abilities, whereas women are more adept at others. We’re not the same! Is that a point we even have to argue?!?

The tension comes with the relationship between us. In marriage, according to the Bible, the husband is suppose to be the leader among equals. As a pastor and counselor, I have found that a majority of women are willing to follow a man that’s worth following. Especially if the husband is loving his wife to the same level that Christ loves His church and died to save it. It takes as much courage to follow as it does to lead.

What about in the work place? The Bible does not relegate women to working only within the home. I think a woman should get paid the same as a man, so long as she has the same qualifications, tenure, and productivity. Are there some jobs women should NOT do? I personally feel that men are to be protectors. Because of that, I’m not a big fan of women taking combative roles in the military or police forces. Call me a sexist, I guess I’d rather see a man die saving a woman than see a woman die saving man. With that said, I have nothing but respect and gratitude to the men and women who have fought for freedom.

If you’re a man… you were made in the image of God and to bear His image as a man. You have a calling and a role in life and history that is worth you pursuing as a man.

Women… you are not inferior. You are different. God created you in His image as well, and you are called to bear that image of God uniquely as a woman. Embrace your nature and calling and be everything that God has already equipped you to do as the woman He has created you to be.

To both men and women… change your world in the way God has gifted you to. We are not simply opposites, we are complementary of one another.