John Markum

Bullies, Flashlights, Fire, and Kali

What could possibly have come from the mouth of my precious little 4-year-old daughter, Kali? This story that she dropped on me and Tiff this afternoon:

Kali: “Mom. Dad. We have to go now!”

Tiff: “Why, Kali?”

Kali: “To get the flashlights!”

Tiff: “What flashlights?!?”

Kali: “The flashlights that the bully took!”

Tiff: <snickering> “Uhh, John? You might wanna hear this one!”

Me: “What is she saying?”

Kali: “We have to go to the bully’s house to get the flashlights back! Uh huh, that’s sounds like a good deal…”

Me: “Kali, how are we going to get the flashlights back from the bully?”

Kali: “We’re going to tie him up with the rope and throw him into the fire, and he’s going to get all burned up.”

Me: “WHAT!?!”

<Kali repeats, quite adamantly!>

Me: “Kali where is this bully?”

Kali: “At his house!” <said with an obvious “duh, Dad!” attitude>

Tiff: “And where is his house at, Kali?”

Kali: “It’s far, far away. We have to get a whole million gas in the car and go get him!”

Tiff: “Kali, we can’t burn up bullies…”

Kali: “Yes we can! We have to get the rope, and…”

John: “Kali, if we tie up a bully and throw him in to the fire and burn him all up, then we go to jail…”

Kali: <disappointed> “Ahhh…”

Don’t mess with my kids… They will straight-up tie you with rope and burn you! I laughed so hard at this today, but secretly feel a little worried. Just don’t tell Kali that. I’m afraid of getting up in the middle of the night with a horse head laying next to me.

Blessings (LoL),

John

Dealing with Conflict

I shared this on Facebook about a month before I started this blog, and it seemed appropriate to share it with our blog viewers. It is a little lengthy, but I believe the message of this post needs to be embraced by Christ-followers everywhere.

  1.  Your sin is my business. We’d rather not believe that, myself included. I would prefer that when I’m messing up, you didn’t have a right to call me out on it. But you do. And so do I. Hebrews 3:12-13 says, “See to it, brothers and sister, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart, that forsakes the living God. But edify one another each day, as long as it is called ‘today’ that none of you may become hardened by sin’s deception.” It’s not saying that each of us should make sure that we individually are following Christ. The grammar in this passage makes it clear that each of us are to see to it that as a family of believers we are not giving into a sinful attitude or behavior. Not for the purpose of being spiritual police, but to “edify.” That word literally means “to build up”. Which brings me to…
  2. Build up, don’t tear down. Christ was the best example of this. He could point out a woman’s fault who had been living in sin after 5 failed marriages and yet not make her feel condemned. When I try to call someone out on their attitude or behavior that is not glorifying to God, my motive needs to be to build them up and call them out into their potential, not beat them down, or to make myself feel “superior” because I don’t struggle with their particular issue. Even when confronting the woman caught in adultery Christ says, “Your sins are forgiven. Go and sin no more.” (John 8:11). He didn’t tell her that it was “ok” that she had an inappropriate relationship with another man. He didn’t coddle her. But he didn’t rub her face in it either. He forgave her, and called her out to her potential. We must not attack each other! We’re on the same team!
  3. Don’t be a fool. Hey, the Bible said it, not me! Proverbs 12:15, “A fool is right in his own eyes; but the wise receive counsel.” There’s no room for pride and defensiveness. This is counter intuitive to our nature, because we like to be right and we don’t like being told otherwise. But the Bible says that if we can’t receive instruction or correction from another, we’re a fool. It says later on in Proverbs that if you “Correct a fool and he will hate you; correct a wise man and he will be yet wiser.” This honestly is one of the most obvious marks of a maturing Christ-follower to me. Because I understand how difficult it is to be called out. But if we call people out to build up and not tear down, it is more likely that people will not respond with pride and defensiveness.
  4. Deal with the person. Matthew 18 Christ tells us how to call someone out who wrongs us. We go to that person 1-on-1. If they listen, GREAT! Forgive them and let it be. If not, then get 1 or 2 others to help you confront the person. If it’s serious and they still will not listen it goes all the way up to the church leadership to settle the matter. But other people are only brought into it as they are needed to correct the situation. Whenever you or I tell others about what “so-n-so” said or did, and they are not part of resolving it, it’s gossip. Period. You want someone to agree with you so that you feel better. The end result is always more people get torn down and fewer people get built up, or “edified.” This explains broken relationships across thousands of churches. Because of that, if you’re NOT part of the solution…
  5. Stay out of it. Refuse to listen to someone tear someone else down. Don’t even give a gossiper an audience! And DO NOT continue to spread the virus by giving third-hand slander to someone else. I’m sick of all the facebook vendettas I see. And “not giving the name” doesn’t make it better. We all know who you’re takling about and you’ld probably tell us anyway if we texted you. What could have been fixed by one sincere conversation, is now on the world-wide web for the world to see Christ-followers act like they know nothing about real love and forgiveness. Shame on us. Forgiven people, forgive people. Chist said, “By your love for one another, the world will know that you are my followers.” If the world cares nothing for the church, it could be because we’re too busy gossiping, and tearing one another down instead of calling each other out on our sin and building one another up into the potential God placed in us.
  6. Speak the Truth with Grace. John 1:14 tells us our Savior came from the Father, “Full of grace and truth.” If we’re just full of grace with no truth, then we’re cowards, too afraid to deal with the real issues at hand. If we’re full of truth but not grace, then we’re spiritual bullies, who may be right, but no one wants to listen to us. The truth without grace is too hard, while grace without truth is too soft. Be like Jesus and speak the truth, but do it with the grace that He modeled.
  7. Consider the source. Let’s be honest… Some people are going to try to criticize you over everything, whether you are truly wrong on something or not. Some people are only going to see when you mess up and they’ll never miss a chance to call you out on it. You should listen and take away whatever is worth learning from the situation. But different people’s opinion matter differently to me. So I choose to take my criticism from the people who love me. Just realize that when someone criticizes you, it might be because they care about you.

Blessings,

John

Dead Right

Have you heard the expression of being “dead wrong?” Dead wrong is not just having your facts incorrect. Dead wrong is being so blind to the fact that you’re wrong that you get argumentative, defensive, even belligerent about something, only to find out later that you were not even right to begin with. You end up feeling kinda stupid and ashamed for getting so fired about about something you didn’t even have right. You weren’t just wrong. You were dead wrong.

If there’s anything worse than being dead wrong, it’s probably being dead right. A friend I was talking to this week introduced me to the term, and it was a powerful thought. Being dead right is very similar to being dead wrong. When you’re dead right you have the correct information. Your facts are accurate. But because you know you’re right, you end up being more confident.

And so in an argument the person with the right answers or perspective makes stands that are not worth taking. They end up winning a battle but losing the war. Has this ever happened to you? You were right. They were wrong. The fight got out of hand and the other person walked away. You know you were right, but you still feel like it’s your fault. It might be because you were dead right.

This happens in marriages all the time. One spouse gets upset at something the other did/didn’t do. And instead of calling them out on it in a loving way that still shows care for the other person, they use their “right” position as a weapon to attack the other person. The end result? They end up dead right. Correct about their information. Incorrect in their approach. What was probably a simple situation now has great hurt attached to it. They said they were going to do the dishes and they didn’t. Now that you’ve humiliated them by verbally beating them up over it, the dishes are still dirty, and your wife/husband doesn’t want to even look at you. The dishes would have taken 20 minutes to clean. Now it’ll take several hours or even days to recover peace and harmony in your home.

You know what being dead wrong has in common with being dead right? You’re still dead. I would rather be wrong than dead right. Wrong happens. Wrong is fixable. Dead right is personal. Dead right stings. Dead right is not love.

Purpose in your heart now that you will refuse to be dead right. When some else has done wrong by you, you will seek forgiveness and reconciliation, and not character assassination of the other person. Decide that you will use your right position as an opportunity to help the other person, not break them.

Knowledge is knowing the right stuff. Wisdom is understanding how to use it.

Blessings,

John

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