fight – John Markum

Dead Right

Posted on July 16, 2011 by johnmarkum

Have you heard the expression of being “dead wrong?” Dead wrong is not just having your facts incorrect. Dead wrong is being so blind to the fact that you’re wrong that you get argumentative, defensive, even belligerent about something, only to find out later that you were not even right to begin with. You end up feeling kinda stupid and ashamed for getting so fired about about something you didn’t even have right. You weren’t just wrong. You were dead wrong.

If there’s anything worse than being dead wrong, it’s probably being dead right. A friend I was talking to this week introduced me to the term, and it was a powerful thought. Being dead right is very similar to being dead wrong. When you’re dead right you have the correct information. Your facts are accurate. But because you know you’re right, you end up being more confident.

And so in an argument the person with the right answers or perspective makes stands that are not worth taking. They end up winning a battle but losing the war. Has this ever happened to you? You were right. They were wrong. The fight got out of hand and the other person walked away. You know you were right, but you still feel like it’s your fault. It might be because you were dead right.

This happens in marriages all the time. One spouse gets upset at something the other did/didn’t do. And instead of calling them out on it in a loving way that still shows care for the other person, they use their “right” position as a weapon to attack the other person. The end result? They end up dead right. Correct about their information. Incorrect in their approach. What was probably a simple situation now has great hurt attached to it. They said they were going to do the dishes and they didn’t. Now that you’ve humiliated them by verbally beating them up over it, the dishes are still dirty, and your wife/husband doesn’t want to even look at you. The dishes would have taken 20 minutes to clean. Now it’ll take several hours or even days to recover peace and harmony in your home.

You know what being dead wrong has in common with being dead right? You’re still dead. I would rather be wrong than dead right. Wrong happens. Wrong is fixable. Dead right is personal. Dead right stings. Dead right is not love.

Purpose in your heart now that you will refuse to be dead right. When some else has done wrong by you, you will seek forgiveness and reconciliation, and not character assassination of the other person. Decide that you will use your right position as an opportunity to help the other person, not break them.

Knowledge is knowing the right stuff. Wisdom is understanding how to use it.

Blessings,

John

The Worthwhile Marriage

Posted on May 20, 2011 by johnmarkum

Beth and Randy Ritter are the epitome of a worthwhile marriage to Tiffany and me. They were in their 70’s when Tiff and I knew them, and had been married for over 50 years. Every Sunday they would walk from the church parking lot into the building holding hands, smiling, making eyes at each other, and giggling like a couple of 18 year-old’s on their first date. They had raised kids together, moved around the country, and were the embodiment of self-sacrificial love. I learned more about a worthwhile marriage from watching the two of them for 3 years than in an entire marriage seminar. I doubt they even realized they had an impact on my marriage, but they did.

If nothing worthwhile is ever easy, marriage is definitely an example worth noting: It is both worthwhile and difficult. And I’m not saying that because my marriage is struggling. I’m saying that because my marriage takes work, like every marriage that counts.

This is the reason why no pastor at Edgewood would ever perform a wedding for someone that had not first gone through a series of pre-marriage counseling sessions. Each of us do a few things different but the overall message is the same with all of us: a wothwhile marriage takes work. Too many couples spend way more time and money on one day, the wedding, but then expect the rest of their marriage to be simple, effortless bliss. The average cost of a wedding is just over $24,000! That’s more money than I made per year in my first job out of college. But for all the fuss, and preparation, and money, and stress, very few actually expect to have to work at their marriage.

It kills me when I hear other couples say things like “I wish we had a marriage like Mr./Mrs. So-n-so!” Well then do the things that Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so are doing! Mr. and Mrs. So-n-so would tell you that they make time for each other, they work through their disagreements, they put the desires and needs of the other above their own, and they still have dates. And if you have kids, then you have to double your efforts. Because having kids raises the stress level in your marriage and decreases you motivation to want to do anything for anyone else.

And older couples are in just as much need to do something difficult in their marriage. The divorce statistics of couples who have been married for 15+ years is alarming. I’ve lost track of the couples I’ve heard of that had a great marriage at one point, and a few years after the kids leave home, they split too.

If you want a good marriage, you’ve got to do the things that create a good marriage. As a man who married way out of his league, I can tell you from firsthand experience that it pays off to put hard work into your marriage. We celebrate 7 years this June, and it seems unreal that we’ll be having our fourth (and final!) child this August. Some days it feel like we’re running an asylum trying to keep up with the needs of a home, 3 kids, a growing ministry, and each other. But Tiffany is my best friend and partner in all of these areas of my life and we wouldn’t have it any other way.

Whether you and your better-half are newly weds, veterans, engaged, or you’re as single as a $1 bill, your marriage (or future marriage) will depend on your willingness to do what is worthwhile versus what is convenient.

Have a long, healthy, worthwhile marriage!

Blessings,

John

Fighting the wrong battles

Posted on December 13, 2010 by johnmarkum

I was once told by another pastor (whom I had previously never met) that I would be the downfall of the Baptist Bible Fellowship. Why? Because he and I did not agree on secondary issues like Bible translations, music styles, and church labels. We had just discussed all the things that made us “Baptist” all of which we agreed on to the most minute detail. But the way he treated me, you would have thought I denied the resurrected Jesus! He didn’t care about me. He had a personal agenda, other than the kingdom of God. Instead of taking an opportunity to speak life, he stereotyped me as “young and rebellious” without knowing anything about me, or wanting to know.

The longer I’m in ministry, and the more God increases my influence for Him, the more people I inevitably come in contact with, some of which won’t know my heart, or care to know. I was challenged once on how to deal with these situations by this statement: “Refuse to fight battles where there are no spoils.” I got it… Because I have wasted far too much of my time, effort, and good temperament trying to argue my way through a battle that would result in no gain even if there was a way to win it. Even Jesus had critics and people whom He would never convince. Notice how little time He spent trying to deal with them! Almost all of His time was spent on the people who would receive His words.

I am blessed to be a part of a great church family that responds to the message of that Word every week with faithfulness. Most of those who follow the blog are either the same way, or curious about this Christian walk. However, I’ve found that in life, ministry, and certainly the internet, that the more exposure you have, the more people you’ll meet that like to pick fights. I fought many philosophical and theological battles in 6+ years of ministry and have had to learn some important lessons the hard way. You’ll never change some people’s mind. Whether they are attacking you to try to prove you wrong, voice an opinion, push their own agenda, or just cut you down – some people will always misjudge you. I’m not talking about a brother or sister in Christ who approaches you to express their concern over a choice that you’re making. That’s just biblical confrontation and you should consider their concerns carefully before outright rejecting it. I’m talking more about the type who probably don’t even know you – or care to know you – but make broad assumptions and accusations about your character or motives. And while pastors can sometimes attract these type of critics, you don’t have to be in ministry to know what I’m talking about.

Don’t get all worked up when someone who has no love toward you treats you poorly, calls you names, or judges your heart. You and I will not answer to them. Live your life as God would have you, and hold yourself accountable to people who truly have your best interest at heart, and are following the Lord. There will always be haters. You and I can waste our time and good mood trying to correct them, or we can do good where it can really count. Let the haters hate on. But let us decide to be known by our love for one another and not give in to stooping to their level. You can’t throw mud without getting covered in it yourself.

Blessings,

John