girl – John Markum

Fathering Daughters

Posted on December 7, 2011 by johnmarkum

When Tiffany and I started growing our family, God blessed us with two girls before we had our boys, Josiah and Elijah. I had always been the kind of man that looked forward to raising my boys:

Throwing the ball in the backyard.
Coaching them in baseball or basketball.
Going fishing.
Watching them begin taking an interest in girls.
Explaining later why girls are so mean (kidding! kinda…).

But then we had Emilee… and then Kali. And suddenly I had to begin thinking in terms of Barbie dolls, tea parties, princess dresses, estrogen, and (some day) boys – as in other boys. Boys who will look at my little princesses the same way that I first looked at their mother years earlier. At least I’ll know how to deal with that side of things. I can communicate very effectively to the male specie (“Touch her anywhere, and your loved ones will never find you again.”). But I digress…

I think I’ve always had a good idea of what it meant to be a good Dad to boys. And if we had started out with Josiah and Elijah, I wonder if I would have been as good of a father to my girls as I’m trying to be now. But being blessed with the family God gave me, made me have to think about this sooner. So here are a few things I feel as if God has taught me about being a father to Emilee and Kali, that every man with a little girl should realize:

Girls like to be noticed. Yes, in general all females do. But they start looking for it very young. And it’s different than with boys. Girls want you to watch them dance, show you their new outfits, sing you a song, and on it goes. Boys do need attention too, but I find that they’re looking more for affirmation, whereas girls are looking for admiration.
Girls need gentleness. I’m working on this one. It can be so hard to show this when they get in trouble. Specifically, I’m learning to walk the tight line between being gentle and being soft. I still have to be their parent, which requires rules, discipline, and consistency. But with my girls, I have to manage to show them tenderness even when disciplining. I told Emilee once that when she disobeys it makes me sad. She didn’t even realize I had feelings past happy and angry before that.
She’ll likely marry a man like you. I “date” my daughters for this very reason. Whatever poor young man tries taking my girls out for a date one day is going to have huge shoes to fill. Not because I spoil them, but because I treat them like the young women I know they can be one day. If your daughter uses you as a model for finding a husband, what kind of standards will she have?
I can be myself. My girls get to see the real me. My kids know that I work at a church, that God is my boss, I tell people about Jesus, I like Mountain Dew, video games, guitars, sports, and books, I get in trouble at home for saying “stupid,” and that I am helplessly in love with their Mommy. My girls don’t need me to be more feminine (something I can’t be), they need me to be a better man (something I should be).

Blessings,

John

Single Guy’s Checklist

Posted on October 17, 2011 by johnmarkum

I gave the ladies a list of things to look for on their quest for the right guy, so it’s only fair that I give the fellas some things as well. Most guys don’t actually have a written list of things they’re looking for in a girl, but the thought is still the same. So here are some things you better pay attention to when it comes to the kind of girl you go after.

Is her love for Christ her first priority? This will affect everything else: purity, time, parenting, loyalty, forgiveness, etc. Ignore this, or make it less than your first criteria, and you’re being foolish.
Am I attracted to her? Why? Let’s not kid… guys, you want to marry someone you are physically attracted to. And some may call that shallow. I say that you better marry someone you are attracted to, otherwise you are making an even bigger opportunity for pornography or even adultery to creep into your marriage. I didn’t say she had to be a super model, or attractive according to cultural standards. She just has to be attractive to you. But past her physical appeal, what else draws you to her? Her laugh? Intelligence? Quick wits? Work ethic? Love of children? Cooking?
Is she desperate for “a” guy? I didn’t mention this as much with the girls mostly because almost no girl will go for a guy who just wants “a” girl. But guys seem to be more willing than girls to go after someone with low self-esteem. The reason is often because we like to be the hero for the damsel in distress. The problem is, you’re human, bro. You’re going to let her down, and you need someone who doesn’t look to you as her Messiah. Refer back to #1.
What is her relationship like with her parents? Different reasons than with the ladies. True, her relationship with her father can almost always predict with near dead-eye accuracy how she will treat you. But girls are also more likely to let their parents have a say in their relationship. See if that’s something she might struggle with. It’s good for her to be tight with her mom, but you don’t want her bashing you to your mother-in-law behind your back after you say “I do.” Talk about and make sure she’s on board with working your problems out together, without mom and dad’s help. If not, you might want to let mom and dad have her!
Can she admit when she’s wrong? Us guys know that we mess up a lot, so for us, we need to make sure that we give sincere apologies, and not just quick ones. But ladies can be stubborn when it becomes their turn to admit fault. I’ve never cared much for women who are more interested in being right than they were in making things right.
Do I ever feel like I want a break from her? Not in the quasi-break up kind of way. I mean more in the way of…. well… I’ll just say it: Do you ever just want to get away from her? I’m surprise at how many dudes say “YES!!!” to this. I’m not saying that you should be with her every minute of the day, but if you get tired of being around her, that’s a major red flag, bro! I’ve been married 7 years, and yes I have time for myself, and there are times when it’s impossible for us to be together, but I can’t think of a time that I wanted Tiffany to be away from me.
Will she follow me?/Can I lead her? If she can’t follow your lead you’re wasting your time. Period. No, Gungor, you don’t need to rule your home like a barbarian with a wife that grovels in your presence. However, you do need a wife that honors you and views you as the leader among two equals in her home. It’s what you’re really looking for anyway. Don’t settle for less.

Blessings,

John

Single Ladies’ Checklist

Posted on October 17, 2011 by johnmarkum

EVERY unmarried girl I’ve ever know has had “the list”: a detailed description of what her ideal man would be like. Some of the things on the list are non-negotiables while some of them are more “wants” than requirements. Regardless of who you are, here are a few things that should make the list of all the single ladies (I couldn’t resist):

Loves Jesus more than you. If he does, you should feel more secure, not less. He answers to a higher authority than you regarding your relationship.
Respects his parents. He will bring several parts from this relationship into your marriage… just like you will.
Has a J-O-B. A real man takes care of himself and his family. No excuses. If he would rather have no job over washing dishes, RUN! Also be very leery of a guy that quits one job before he has another.
Treats all women with respect. Young, old, attractive, less attractive, funny, boring, whatever… Treating women with respect without any thought of what he can get out of his kindness, tells me that chivalry is part of his values, not simply his behavior on a first date.
Physically patient. If he gets pushy for the first kiss, leave him. Period. What else will he try pressuring you into? If he cannot delay gratification in the small things, it’s unlikely that he will on the bigger, more obvious things later. There’s a word for this guy: selfish. And he’s more interested in what he can get than in what you need.
Self-secure. Confidence is extremely attractive. Few people want to be with someone that is always down on themselves. And a man definitely requires a certain amount of security in himself, and your relationship, if he is going to be any kind of leader. If he constantly questions you on where you’re going, who you’re with, etc. then maybe you need to sit down and talk about the root of these insecurities. If it can’t be resolved, you may need to move on. Insecurity can escalate dangerously if not put into check.
Not Conceited. While you want a man that is self secure, you do not want a man who thinks he’s “all that.” If he loves himself more than you, chances are, he’ll end up being the only one with such a high opinion of himself.
Compatibility. Specifically in the areas of family expectations, life direction, and values. If he intends on living on the west coast and you’re from Virginia, you may have to decide whether you’re willing to live so far from your family. Also, are you willing to be married to a guy who does __________ for a living? Or did you always dream of marrying a guy that did something else? How much of those things are you willing to let go of or adapt?