Marriage – Page 6 – John Markum

Dead Right

Posted on July 16, 2011 by johnmarkum

Have you heard the expression of being “dead wrong?” Dead wrong is not just having your facts incorrect. Dead wrong is being so blind to the fact that you’re wrong that you get argumentative, defensive, even belligerent about something, only to find out later that you were not even right to begin with. You end up feeling kinda stupid and ashamed for getting so fired about about something you didn’t even have right. You weren’t just wrong. You were dead wrong.

If there’s anything worse than being dead wrong, it’s probably being dead right. A friend I was talking to this week introduced me to the term, and it was a powerful thought. Being dead right is very similar to being dead wrong. When you’re dead right you have the correct information. Your facts are accurate. But because you know you’re right, you end up being more confident.

And so in an argument the person with the right answers or perspective makes stands that are not worth taking. They end up winning a battle but losing the war. Has this ever happened to you? You were right. They were wrong. The fight got out of hand and the other person walked away. You know you were right, but you still feel like it’s your fault. It might be because you were dead right.

This happens in marriages all the time. One spouse gets upset at something the other did/didn’t do. And instead of calling them out on it in a loving way that still shows care for the other person, they use their “right” position as a weapon to attack the other person. The end result? They end up dead right. Correct about their information. Incorrect in their approach. What was probably a simple situation now has great hurt attached to it. They said they were going to do the dishes and they didn’t. Now that you’ve humiliated them by verbally beating them up over it, the dishes are still dirty, and your wife/husband doesn’t want to even look at you. The dishes would have taken 20 minutes to clean. Now it’ll take several hours or even days to recover peace and harmony in your home.

You know what being dead wrong has in common with being dead right? You’re still dead. I would rather be wrong than dead right. Wrong happens. Wrong is fixable. Dead right is personal. Dead right stings. Dead right is not love.

Purpose in your heart now that you will refuse to be dead right. When some else has done wrong by you, you will seek forgiveness and reconciliation, and not character assassination of the other person. Decide that you will use your right position as an opportunity to help the other person, not break them.

Knowledge is knowing the right stuff. Wisdom is understanding how to use it.

Blessings,

John

Church and the subject of “Sex”

Posted on July 10, 2011 by johnmarkum

“Now concerning the matter you wrote to me; it is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since there is so much sexual immorality, every man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband.” I Corinthians 7:1-2

Earlier today, I taught a group of about 30 single adults on the subject of sex. I make it a point of taking an entire lesson to deal with this subject, with this group, at least yearly. Truthfully, it isn’t talked about nearly enough in most churches.

In a culture that is so bent on the topic of sex in soap operas, sitcoms, commercials, billboards, music (yes, including country), movies, netflix, and the internet, the Church so often is silent on the subject. If it ever does come up, it’s in a youth Sunday school class, where the bottom line is simply “DON’T!” I grew up out of well meaning churches like this. And looking back, the best reason given to me as a teenager to wait til marriage for the privilege of sex was to avoid STD’s.

But is that really it?!? Is that God’s motivation for telling over-hormonally-charged teens and single adults to not engage in sex outside of marriage? Is there nothing else? Couldn’t protection and being “careful” who you sleep around with keep you out that kind of trouble? If so, isn’t God kind of… out-dated, when it comes to sex and relationships?

First of all, yes, God does actually warn about STD’s… seriously, check it out here. But there’s much more. God created sex (Genesis 2:21-25). We, humans, didn’t just discover it one day, to the complete shock and amazement of our Creator. The way some Christians approach the subject, you would think that sex was invented by Hugh Hefner.

Sex is a gift from God that is too beautiful and vulnerable to be fully appreciated outside of the safety of a committed relationship… marriage. And don’t tell me you’re in a committed relationship if you’re single. The only real commitment that a dating couple has to each other is “I’m not going to date anyone else… for now.” Commitment is more than a feeling. It is an action. If you say you are committed to someone, prove it. Marry them! In nearly every incident of premarital sex that has crossed my path I’ve made one of two observations:

Sex before marriage:

Ruins good relationships, or
Prolongs bad relationships.

Additionally, the more a person sleeps around outside of marriage, the more they tend to have a diminished view of their self worth and the more likely they tend to be in making more poor choices regarding their sex life. And in the couples I’ve counseled who have slept together before marriage and ended up getting married still, nearly every couple wishes they had waited.

I know, I know… that sounds hard. But nothing worthwhile is ever easy. And a happy, healthy, long-lasting marriage might be the most worthwhile thing in the world, humanly speaking. So certainly it might require the patience to wait for one of the greatest privileges that come with the safety of marriage. It might be old-fashioned. But even your great-grandparents got some thing right.

God is not a cosmic kill-joy. He simply places a high value on the privilege of sex. I’ve never met a married couple who waited, who told me “I wish we had not waited.” But I know many, many people who would say, “I wish I had.” Don’t be one of them. Make your love life count. You won’t regret it.

Blessings,

John

How I Fell in Love

Posted on June 21, 2011 by johnmarkum

Exactly 8 years ago this week, I met the woman I would fall in love with at a Christian youth camp. She was working one week there as a counselor, and I was working with a church planter who was connected with this particular camp. When Tiff and I found each other, she was just coming out of a long term relationship. While I had no recent long term relationships to speak of, I had been doing a lot of dating around. I wasn’t dating out of desperation. I was just on a quest: to find a woman I could commit to loving my whole life. Oh yeah… and one that could commit to loving me back.

The moment I met eyes with Tiffany, we both immediately noticed each other. Now, I don’t believe in love at first sight. I believe in infatuation and obsession at first sight. But real love is selfless, and sacrificial. Can’t really have that level of love at one glance. But there was definitely something there.

Our first date, was with a group at John’s Pass in St. Petersburg, FL, her hometown. We all caught a movie that night. Now… It would NOT be justice if I did not take a second to give a shout-out to the indisputably best female wing-man a guy could ever ask for: Shela Roles. There were 6 of us total that night. We got into the nearly-packed movie theater and immediately spotted 4 seats next to each other, and 2 more seats next to each other about 5 rows back. Shela jumps in and immediately suggests that the other 4 of them take the 4 seats and that Tiffany and I take the 2 seats behind them. Oh the movie? Yeah it was very romantic… “28 Days Later.” A British horror movie. Not sure I would recommend it. Unless of course you’re on a first date and want to give a girl a good reason to hold onto your arm for most of the movie. Personally? Worth it! I ended that night with her number and couldn’t wait to call her back.

Our second date was where we really connected. We spent the whole day together. I met her family (who like me more now than they did then), ate at the restaurant where she waited tables, and ended the night with a walk on the beach. We were 2 young adult, Christ-followers, both planning on serving in full time ministry. And we didn’t want to get too physical too soon. So we “decided” we weren’t going to kiss yet. We just got that out in the open so there wouldn’t be any awkwardness. And we did really good… until we got to the beach that night.

On the most beautiful starlit night on the shores of Madeira beach, with a perfect full moon, we stood nose to nose trying really hard not to kiss. At least an hour later, our lips finally met. It was the best first kiss in the world! Fairy tales were written about it afterward. And while we broke our promise to not kiss on our second date, looking back, it’s part of what makes us “us” now.

Almost exactly one year later we would kiss again in St. Petersburg, but this time at the altar in the church she grew up in, by the pastor who was her youth pastor growing up, and the pastor who started a church, who I happened to work for the previous summer when I fell in love.

On Sunday, we celebrate 7 years of marriage. Best 7 years of my life. I can’t wait for 70 more! I love you, Beautiful!

John